Humour of the Day

MagnusB · Post by **MagnusB** » 24 May 2005, 19:23

I never sausage a convoluted joke!

teajay · Post by **teajay** » 24 May 2005, 21:30

It is driven by your feet?

Crypt · Post by **Crypt** » 25 May 2005, 00:49

how do you get an indian into a bath tub!
throw a penny in!

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 25 May 2005, 01:45

Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said,"Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes."
Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful, the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.
"That's great", said Little Johnny,
"coz he'd be f*****d if he needed glasses

teajay · Post by **teajay** » 26 May 2005, 14:41

HIHI, Great, it took 3 secs before I got it, but then it was really funny. How do you keep getting those, great great.

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 26 May 2005, 22:48

BODY MEETING :

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal"

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The a**hole is usually in charge !!

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 26 May 2005, 22:52

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the
world.

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in! the world"

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims
verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriou! sly happy. "It's
official; I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person
in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated,"Who the
hell is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 26 May 2005, 22:54

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother. He says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!"

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 2 Jun 2005, 06:34

AN ELDERLY couple Margaret and Charles, are in California.
Charles always wanted a pair of Authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buy's them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Charles storms off into the bathroom, undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different , NOW??" Margaret looks up and says, " Charles whats different? Its hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.
Furious, Charles yells, " AND DO YOU KNOW WHY ITS HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope" She replies.
" ITS HANGING DOWN BECAUSE ITS LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!" To which Margaret replies, " Shoulda bought a hat Charles. Shoulda bought a hat."

teajay · Post by **teajay** » 2 Jun 2005, 18:51

Hihi, ok one there. Btw how do you get these? Heard them on your work?

Crypt · Post by **Crypt** » 2 Jun 2005, 22:48

you can always just grab them from an internet site

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 3 Jun 2005, 00:03

tijsjoris wrote:Hihi, ok one there. Btw how do you get these? Heard them on your work?

aaahh, that would be telling

Revolt · Post by **Revolt** » 3 Jun 2005, 06:29

he gets them by email i think he said so earlier, maybe

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 4 Jun 2005, 02:43

Revolt wrote:he gets them by email i think he said so earlier, maybe

nope, no one ever emails me

Kopaka · Post by **Kopaka** » 4 Jun 2005, 09:01

I guess it's stuff that happens in his real life.

teajay · Post by **teajay** » 6 Jun 2005, 16:24

Like you ever threw a girl with no arms and legs in the sea...

ead · Post by **ead** » 6 Jun 2005, 17:23

two blondes walk into a store... you think they would have seen it

a blonde, a brunette, a red head, a duck, a giraffe, a dog, a spanish man, and english man, a french man, a chopper pilot, a US navy seal and a priest walk into a bar. the bartender says... 'what is this, some kind of joke?'

that one's old but it love it

teajay · Post by **teajay** » 6 Jun 2005, 19:18

Let me tell you a joke. Once there were two people walking in a wild jungle near the border of Brasil.
One of them, Pablo, had a repetitive mind disease.
The other one, Juan, couldn't talk.
So these two men were walking there in the middle of the green mass of trees, when Pablo suddenly got the urge to tell a joke:
Let me tell you a joke. Once there were two people walking in a wild jungle near the border of Brasil.
One of them, Pablo, had a repetitive mind disease.
The other one, Juan, couldn't talk.
So these two men were walking there in the middle of the green mass of trees, when Pablo suddenly got the urge to tell a joke:
Let me tell you a joke. Once there were two people walking in a wild jungle near the border of Brasil.
One of them, Pablo, had a repetitive mind disease.
The other one, Juan, couldn't talk.
So these two men were walking there in the middle of the green mass of trees, when Pablo suddenly got the urge to tell a joke:
Let me tell you a joke. Once there were two people walking in a wild jungle near the border of Brasil.
One of them, Pablo, had a repetitive mind disease.
The other one, Juan, couldn't talk.
So these two men were walking there in the middle of the green mass of trees, when Pablo suddenly got the urge to tell a joke:
Let me tell you a joke. Once there were two people walking in a wild jungle near the border of Brasil.
One of them, Pablo, had a repetitive mind disease.
The other one, Juan, couldn't talk.
So these two men were walking there in the middle of the green mass of trees, when Pablo suddenly got the urge to tell a joke:

Etcetera.

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 6 Jun 2005, 23:07

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a proxy or surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come
to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun
too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it.", Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to
get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling-I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment ?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work."

"Tripod??".

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?.....

Good Lord, she's fainted!"

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 6 Jun 2005, 23:08

The other day I was in the local auto parts store. A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"

She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on?" they asked.

Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she said, "It's a Buick."

"OK lady, how big is it?"

She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.

"What does it do?" we asked.

She said, "I don't know but it's always been there."

One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710. The guys behind the
counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it and they just fall down behind the counter laughing.

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 6 Jun 2005, 23:25

A woman walked up to her husband and, out of the blue, hit him. He said, "What was that for?"
She replied, "Poor bed partner!"
He thought about that for a few days, then he suddenly whacked her. "What was that for?" she exclaimed. He answered, "For knowing the difference!"

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 11 Jun 2005, 22:31

Some commentators funnies...

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's
only come in his shorts."

KEN Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick
likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he
gets."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on
World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier,
and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith
Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first
by herself in bed last night."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes
what he sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v
Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his
lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North
said:"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold
night like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by
Barrichello?"

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a
big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a
night about coming from different positions."

A US FEMALE news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob,
where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only
did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because
they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out
his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just
said?!!!!"

METRO Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got
eleven Dicks on the field."

HARRY Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah,
isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing
the Cox of the Oxford crew."

TED Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother."

NEW Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when
Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

PAT Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava
from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 11 Jun 2005, 22:32

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind.

But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work
had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had
told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I
haven't heard back?

Guess I won that stupid argument.

signed... A Blonde

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 11 Jun 2005, 22:35

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered the money his parents gave him. "Hmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough? Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that liar!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 4 Jul 2005, 00:53

Things Couldn't Be Nurse

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I''m only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can''t tell. I''m only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong.

"Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, "Nothing is wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again,

"Are my test results back?"

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 4 Jul 2005, 00:56

Funniest joke I've heard recently....

A gynecologist is worn out with his work and decides he wants to change careers. He's always liked working with cars as a hobby so he decides to take a class to get certified as a mechanic.

He takes the class and loves every minute of it. At the conclusion of the course, there is a final exam that he has to take. He takes the test and thinks he did ok on it. He gets the results back, and his teacher gave him 150% as his grade. He's obviously a bit confused about his score, so he goes to the professor to ask him about the test grade.

"Why did I get a 150% on my test? I think you may have made a mistake," said the gynecologist.

"No mistake," replied the professor.

"I gave you 50% for taking apart the engine."

"I gave you another 50% for putting the engine back together."

"And I gave you another 50% because you did all of this through the muffler."

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 4 Jul 2005, 01:05

This guy comes home from work one day only to find his wife on the front steps with her bags packed.

He asked here where she thinks she is going and she tells him that the neighbors told her some very awful things about him and that she is leaving him.

He says, 'Well, why don't you just tell me exactly what they said an we'll get to the bottom of this.'

She says, 'They told me that you are an awful man, a bad husband and a pedophile. Because of that, I'm leaving you right now.'

He says, 'Let me tell you a couple of things. First of all, they are full of crap. Second, don't you think pedophile is an awful big word for a 10 year old?

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 4 Jul 2005, 01:07

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. Because it is soooooo much cheaper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE !!!!

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 8 Aug 2005, 20:38

Things You Do not Want To Hear from Tech Support
1. "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"

2. "...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."

3. "So -- what are you wearing?"

4. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"

5. "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."

6. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with '60 Minutes'. Press 3 if
you're with the FTC."

7. "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct
tape, and a car battery."

8. "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."

9. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."

10. "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 8 Aug 2005, 20:39

Men Strike Back!!!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
------------------------------------------------------------------

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 8 Aug 2005, 20:45

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. â€œTim, you're first,â€ she said. â€œWhat does your mother do all day?â€
Tim stood up and proudly said, â€œShe's a doctor.â€

â€œThat's wonderful. How about you, Amie?â€ Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, â€œMy father is a mailman.â€

'Thank you, Amie,â€ said the teacher. â€œWhat about your father, Billy?â€

Billy proudly stood up and announced, â€œMy daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.â€

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father said, â€œI'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?â€

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 8 Aug 2005, 20:46

i really like this one

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
The pickpocket snatches watches...

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 8 Aug 2005, 20:47

Three married couples of a local community were wanting to become members of a very select church. The preacher was very selective of who he let in and who he turned away. One couple had been married 50 years, one couple had been married 20 years and the other couple had been married less than a year. The preacher explained that all church members had to be totally focused and supportive in order to be recommended for membership and in order to prove their worth, the three couples could not engage in sex for 3 weeks. They all agreed.

After 3 weeks the preacher called the couples into his office to discuss how they were able to accomplish the task. The first couple (50 years married) stated that there was no problem. The 3 weeks just flew by. The second couple (20 years married) stated that it was hard and in fact they almost went over the line, but they had in fact remained celebate the entire 3 weeks. The third couple (married less than a year) were asked how thing went.

Well, the husband said, the first 2 weeks were ok, but by the third week I was starting to go crazy. Then one day my wife was wearing one of her tight skirts that I like so much, and she had an armload of peaches. She dropped a few of the peaches and bent over to pick them up. Well, the view of her fine backside bending over in that tight skirt was just too much for me and I couldn't take it any more. I jumped her right then and there. The preacher was shocked and red-faced and stated that "you are just not welcome here, do you understand, you are not welcome here again".

The wife hung her head in shame and stated, "that is the same thing the manager at the supermarket told us"

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 8 Aug 2005, 20:49

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligatorâ€™s mouth and place my genitals inside, leave â€™em there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?"

The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligatorâ€™s open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps.

After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitalsâ€”unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered.

"Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd.

After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up. "Iâ€™ll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 8 Aug 2005, 20:52

Two guys are golfing at a golf course. One of the guys looks in the other's golf bag and notices the sniper rifle and asks him why he has such a thing. The other guy says, "Well, I'm a hitman for the local gang here." The first guys responds, "Cool, can I have a look through the scope? I bet I can see my house from here!" "Sure," the hitman replies.

So the first guy lifts up the sniper and looks through the scope. "Cool, I CAN see my house through this. Hey, there's my wife in our bedroom totally naked! Isn't she lovely? And now my next door neighbor jsut entered our room. And he's naked, too!"

He lowers the gun and asks the hitman, "How much do you get paid per shot?" "One thousand." "Ok, I want two shots: one at my wife's mouth because she keeps nagging me and one at my neighbor's dick for screwing around with my wife."

So now the hitman lifts up the gun and takes aim but doesn't shoot, yet. The first goes, "Dude, what's the holdup?" The hitman replies, "Hold on. I'm about to save you a thousand bucks."

Lukazz · Post by **Lukazz** » 8 Aug 2005, 22:09

this one rules!!

teajay · Post by **teajay** » 8 Aug 2005, 23:18

Great ones mate. Lovely to see a come back of those where-did-you-get-them jokes.

mobking16 · Post by **mobking16** » 9 Aug 2005, 00:42

i've heard that one about the cheating wife already but its still funny

sierra · Post by **sierra** » 10 Aug 2005, 20:39

Two gays go to London and they decide to go on the London Eye, which is a huge ferris wheel in Westminister. One of the gays is a little too frightened by the height and so his partner goes on alone. After some minutes there are loud sparks and the entire wheel collapses in a heap of dust. Shocked, the gay on the ground runs into the rubble and finally finds his lover. "My god", he gasps. "Are you hurt honey?". The injured gay looks at him indignantly and replies "of course I'm fucking hurt! I went round twice and you only waved at me once!"

The_BoneLESS · Post by **The_BoneLESS** » 10 Aug 2005, 20:42

Sierra, that one is almost painful how much i laugh

HAHAHA, gay jokes are always fun.. haha...ha.. hahahaha

teajay · Post by **teajay** » 10 Aug 2005, 22:14

ahahahahaahhhhaaaa. Fucking crap, haahaa, where did you get that one. OMG hahaaah choking here. &*()^)& =)) =)) +)

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 10 Aug 2005, 22:47

i don't get it :s

BigRed · Post by **BigRed** » 16 Aug 2005, 11:18

OMG KyJelly you are still posting funny as jokes.
Great to see....
I wish you would share your source......

MagnusB · Post by **MagnusB** » 16 Aug 2005, 21:21

MagnusB wrote:I never sausage a convoluted joke!

I don't remember posting this.

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 17 Aug 2005, 10:36

lol, ye i have seen many posts of mine in old threads, i dont remember posting, or dont seem like the wording i would have used

teajay · Post by **teajay** » 19 Aug 2005, 17:05

Ky.Jelly wrote:lol, ye i have seen many posts of mine in old threads, i dont remember posting, or dont seem like the wording i would have used

That feeling has struck me too lately, I wonder why I wrote different those days.

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 19 Aug 2005, 18:17

tijsjoris wrote:
Ky.Jelly wrote:lol, ye i have seen many posts of mine in old threads, i dont remember posting, or dont seem like the wording i would have used
That feeling has struck me too lately, I wonder why I wrote different those days.

Because you were young and stupid?

Dynamo · Post by **Dynamo** » 19 Aug 2005, 18:53

zworqy wrote:Because you were young and stupid?

Nice one.....

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 19 Aug 2005, 23:03

i was never young and stupid, just younger and not as wise

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 31 Aug 2005, 13:36

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is John Jo and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.

When the same person once more answered, I yelled "Fuckin' jerk!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, 'Fuckin' jerk!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Yo. This is Telly with the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a Fuckin' jerk!"

And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 722-4822.

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black camaro come flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Asshole.. I was here first!"

The guy climbed out of his camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.

I thought to myself, this guy's a fuckin' jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in this world.

I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 722-4822 and yelling, "Fuckin' jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."
I said, "You the dude with the black camaro for sale?"
"Yes I am."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name dude?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes." "Don, you're a fuckin' jerk!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.

For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1.
A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."
I yelled "Fuckin' jerk!" But I didn't hang up.
The jerk said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah.."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your fuckin' name, pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
"Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Asshole! You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Fuckin' jerk!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jerk #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello? Fuckin' jerk!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your fuckin ASS!"
"Oh yeah? You just wait right there. I'm coming over right now, jerk!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a block from Jerk #2's house. There were two guys fighting out front. Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter. The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.

A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked to be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck would have it, it happened to be the same two guys. I might have influenced the jury, because when they announced the verdict, they said, "We the jury find the defendants to be guilty, and a couple of fuckin' jerks!"