Humour of the Day

[Ky.Jelly]

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

[Ky.Jelly]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... how did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

[Ky.Jelly]

Three couples are about to play golf: an Engish couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple.

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, heres $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

[Ky.Jelly]

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?" When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?" "Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit." "That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit. Now it's the box office."

[Ky.Jelly]

A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words, "Before you leave, I want you to hear how all this came about. Driving home along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the colour didn't suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but too small for you now.
Then, when she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked: 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"

[Ky.Jelly]

A middle aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130kmph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210kmph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a nice day sir and drive carefully."

[Igge]

Hahaga :D Made my morning

Keep 'em coming

[A.K.B.]

A couple were engaging in some foreplay and were about to take it further when a bee flew in the window and into the womans snatch. The man immediately jumped on the phone and called the doctor. Within minutes, they were at the clinic.

The man told the doctor that there was a bee in her box, the doctor looked back and told him 'I have a perfect solution.'

The doctor coated the end of his dick in honey and proceeded to attempt to lure the bee out by penetrating the woman.

'It seems the bee is pretty deep.' Said the doctor, 'I'll have to get right in there!' He pushed deeper and suddenly the woman started moaning, 'Oh yes! Yes!' she moaned in pleasure, the man gave a dirty look to the doctor, 'What are you doing now?' he abruptly queried, obviously aggravated.

'Change of plans.' Said the doctor, 'I'm drowning the fucker.'

[Xratio]

Unfunny

[niN]

hehe, kinda fun

[Zweq]

something I read from jokebook: what's the most useless thing: 220cm nigga that cant play basket ball.

sounded pretty dame lame with straight translation:/

[Igge]

haha so very nat fun :(

[8-ball]

hihihi jappe

[A.K.B.]

Q: What is white and fourteen inches long?

A: Absolutely nothing.

[Xratio]

Oh yes there is, A fourteen inch white pole!

[A.K.B.]

That was about as funny as saying

"A dyslexic walks into a bra..."

we saw it coming a mile away, like spiderman...

[Igge]

Let's ban these people, they obviously don't know humor, which should be enough to exclude them from this forum.

[SveinR]

This thread really should be reserved for Ky.Jelly.

[Igge]

This thread really should be reserved for Ky.Jelly.

Exactly the thought I had in mind when making that previous post.

[teajay]

save my replies, which are always 100% contribution to ky's wit.

martin, once again, your jokes are top notch and I always am delighted when you post new ones.

[Ky.Jelly]

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl and the two of them go into the bedroom where she strips and shows her. Her own curiosity aroused the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?" So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her.

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine." Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed... I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me!"

[Ky.Jelly]

There was this big football player in the bathroom taking a piss, when in walks this little short guy who stands beside him to piss.

The big guy couldn't help but notice the enormous size of the little man's penis. He said to the little person, "I'm not gay or anything but how in the hell can a guy so little have a dick so big?"

The little guy replied "Well I'm going to let you in on a little secret, I am a leprechaun. I can grant you any wish you want, but there is a catch, you have to let me stick it up your ass."

The big guy thought to himself "Well I have played football and got knocked on my ass, surely I can take the pain of a dick up my ass." He said "OK, my wish is for a million dollars." "Bend over" said the leprechaun and proceeded to pound the crap out of him.

When it was over, the big guy exclaimed "I can't believe you got all that up in me." The little guy said "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun!"

[Ky.Jelly]

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, “Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

[Igge]

might have been told before in this topic, but hopefully not.

There was an old man riding the bus on a saturday morning, and next to him sat a nun. The man curiously asked her if she wanted to have sex with him, but she quickly replied "No, it goes against my religion.."

Shortly after this embarrassing moment the nun stepped off the bus. A few minutes later the man is about to atep off aswell, when the busdriver starts talking. "Hey, I noticed she didn't wanna have sex with you, but tell you what. Every saturday morning she takes this bus to church, so my tip for you is to dress up like god and meet her there, then she'll have to do what you say."

So the next saturday morning the man, dressed as god, was waiting outside the church when the nun stepped off. The man takled in a high and powerful voice.

"I am your god! You will have to obey me no matter what I say"

the nun, surprised as hell, asked him in a very fragile voice
"Is there anything I can do for you my lord?"
"I order you to have sex with me right now" The man replied
"Oh, I guess I don't have a chiose then, the nun replied silently "But... Is it ok if I take it in my ass instead.. Because of my religion?
"Ofcourse!" the man replied quickly

So they proceeded and had sex, and the had just finished the act when the man yelled out "Haha! I'm that man you met on the bus yesterday!" Whereupon the nun quickly replied "Haha! I'm the busdriver!"

[A.K.B.]

FUCK YOU IGGE

I have heard that joke over more times than years you've been alive.

Only jokes by ass-lube named sheepfucker plz.

[Ky.Jelly]

its not ass lube as it aint uses for a donkey, arse lube may be more appropriate, one day you may get the chance to sit around all night have keep playing around with your girlfreind, when that day comes no amount of natural bodily juices in the world will suffice, and you will beg for a tube of me lying around

[A.K.B.]

I probably will.

I want you bad ky.

Please google another good joke.

[Staar]

sick

[Bismuth]

G. I. Jew

[Staar]

post more about jews please

[Igge]

Whats the object of Jewish football?
To get the quarter back

Epic pun :D

[Grace]

lolled at the football one

[Mats]

What did the chicken say??

"Pawq, paw paw pawq, pawq pa pa pa pawq, pawq pawq paw pawq"

You think like, omg i don't believ
just check it out at 47 sec of the vid.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5dowCyaP7I

[Zweq]

just thought to reserve the first post of 2009, isnt that humorous

[Grace]

seems mats beat you, zamppe.

[Mats]

Love your jokes Zweq and of course people commenting like it was a serious post.

[teajay]

I miss ky's jokes..

[Grace]

moar plz martin.

[Ky.Jelly]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is..

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fench'

[Ky.Jelly]

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!

****

It gets worse........

next year......


2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

btw i know that these aren't actually acurate chinese years :p

[Ky.Jelly]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it was going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake. And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man ! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank before he died. I married his fucking widow."

[Ky.Jelly]

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would ye let me bite yer breasts for £100?

"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would ye let me bite yer breasts for £1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you, I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again
"Would ye let me bite yer breasts jist wan time fer £10,000?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, £10,000; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there ."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..."

[Ky.Jelly]

This Maori fulla is walking up the beach with a couple of live crayfish in a bucket when he is stopped by an Inspector from the Ministry of Agriculture & Fisheries (MAF).

He says to the Maori fulla "Hey, it looks like you caught a couple of undersize crayfish".

The Maori fulla says "Nah Bro' these crayfish are my pet crayfish. I just bring them down to the beach every day for a swim and when I whistle, they hop back in the bucket and I take them home."

The MAF officer doesn't believe him and says "you should know it's illegal to catch undersized crayfish and he starts writing out a ticket for a fine".

Then the Maori fulla says "Nah Bro' they are pets, you just watch this" and he chucks the crayfish into the surf.

The MAF officer then says "OK, lets see ya whistle and make those crayfish come back to you then."

The Maori fulla says "What crayfish??"

[Ky.Jelly]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment to get their
Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end. The next day the kids
Came back and one by one told their stories.

Karl said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat
Of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying
And broke and made a mess.'

'What's the moral of the story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Emily raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too,
But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but
When they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is:
'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.'

'That was a fine story Emily.

Rangi , do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Ripeka. Aunty Rapeka was
A flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles
Of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down
So it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy
troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran
out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade
broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did Your
father tell you from that horrible story?'



'Stay the f*ck away from Aunty Rapeka when she's been on the piss.'

[Ky.Jelly]

Larry's in room 232 at the hospital.

Ok, you are asking who in the hell is 'Larry'.
Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says,
'Where in the hell have you been?

'Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.

''A tattoo?' she frowned.
'What kind of tattoo did you get?

''I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking?! She said, shaking her head in disgust.

'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill Tattooed on his
privates?'
Well, One, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping,

you can stay right here at home and blow a
hundred bucks anytime you want.
Larry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital.

[teajay]

bada-dum dsh.

It was such nostalgia reading all those new jokes; quality as always.

[Orcc]

How many people enjoy a gang rape? Nine out of ten.

[Xiphias]

How many people enjoy a gang rape? Nine out of ten.

[Alma]

to be beaten on your own game is like being raped with your own penis

[Lee]

so it must be quite satisfying, ye?