Humour of the Day

chux · Post by **chux** » 19 Oct 2003, 23:39

Frosties are a flake cereal...and theres a Tiger on the box...
http://www.kelloggs.co.uk/products/product.asp?id=19

Revolt · Post by **Revolt** » 19 Oct 2003, 23:41

hehe i get it now

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 20 Oct 2003, 02:30

A Kiwi bloke was on earth doing the Haka. Somewhere in space, Aliens were watching this unusual dance.
"Kamate, kamate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"

The Aliens were very interested and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing. So with their alien technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi's head and took a part of his brain away. The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen.
"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......."

What the??? The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing. The Kiwi guy could operate with less than a full brain. So they decided to send the beam down and take another part of his brain. The Aliens watched on.
"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"

"WHAT!!!" the Aliens said to each other. "These Kiwis are very
clever people even with half a brain. Let's see what happens if we take the rest of it away and leave him with no brain at all!"
So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down and took away the final part of the Kiwi's brain. "Now surely he won't know anything at all. He should be too dumb and stupid to do anything now?" And sure enough, with no brain and no knowledge of anything at all as the Aliens watched on the bloke sang,
"WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA......"

Revolt · Post by **Revolt** » 20 Oct 2003, 08:07

that joke would be funny if i didnt live in australia

petsen · Post by **petsen** » 20 Oct 2003, 09:53

haha i think its funny

Post by **SveinR** » 20 Oct 2003, 14:21

chux wrote: Maybe only UK get this...

No, I'm getting it, nice joke!

Damn I was late soI guess I better write something else here...:

and I would, had I fully known the English words to the joke...I'll find out and post here later

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 20 Oct 2003, 19:59

Sitting together on a train traveling through the Swiss Alps were a New Zealand guy, an Australian guy, a young blonde lady and a little old lady.

The train goes into a tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Aussie has a big red handprint on his cheek...no one speaks.

The old lady thinks, "That Aussie must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek".

The blonde thinks, "That Aussie must have tried to grope me in the dark but missed me and fondled the old lady instead and she slapped his face".

The Aussie thinks, "That Kiwi must have groped the blonde in the dark, she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead".

The Kiwi thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that Aussie again".

bob · Post by **bob** » 21 Oct 2003, 11:24

ez prejudice cuz

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 21 Oct 2003, 22:19

>A gentleman entered his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at

>his regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby,
all alone.

>He called the waiter over and asked for their most expensive bottle of
merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she was his.

>The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to the girl, saying,

>"This is from the gentleman.

>She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

>The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in
your garage, a million dollars in your bank account, and 7 inches in your
pants."

>After reading the note, he sent his own note back to her, and it read:

>"Just so you know-- I happen to have a Ferrari Testarossa, and a BMW 850iL
in my garage; plus I have over twenty million dollars in my bank account.

>"But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches
of my dick.

>Just send the bottle back." Bitch .

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 22 Oct 2003, 19:56

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I websurfed, weak and weary,

...Over many a strange and spurious website of 'hot chicks galore',
...While I clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning,
...And my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour.
..."'Tis not possible," I muttered, "give me back my cheap hardcore!" -

Quoth the server, "404".

BigRed · Post by **BigRed** » 23 Oct 2003, 07:54

LOL nice jokes KyJelly even if they do payout australia.
The second one is going slightly too far though.
BAAAAAA.....

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 23 Oct 2003, 17:32

ye rite, next week ill pull out some craka aussie ones, unlike you they wont be blonde joke converts

chux · Post by **chux** » 23 Oct 2003, 18:01

Two [Aussies] walk into a building...you'd have thought one of them would have seen it...
Mwahahaha, another great blonde joke convert...

BigRed · Post by **BigRed** » 24 Oct 2003, 06:48

How do you make a [kiwi] laugh on Thursday?
Tell them a joke on Monday.

MopoGirl · Post by **MopoGirl** » 24 Oct 2003, 12:48

BigRed wrote:How do you make a [kiwi] laugh on Thursday?
Tell them a joke on Monday.

damn that one sucked

chux · Post by **chux** » 25 Oct 2003, 20:37

yeah, it sucked, but it was funny...

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 25 Oct 2003, 21:36

get some real jokes, these llama blonde ones suck

BigRed · Post by **BigRed** » 26 Oct 2003, 07:35

Okay then no more blonde jokes.

Man says to god: "Why did you make women so beautiful?"
God: "So you would like them."
Man: "But why did you make them so dumb."
God: "So they would like you."

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 30 Oct 2003, 22:13

The daughter is on her honeymoon ands sends a telegram to her mother: "My husband has only one foot".
Her mother sends a telegram back: "Don't be sorry for that. Your father only have a couple of inches".

chux · Post by **chux** » 31 Oct 2003, 01:41

Hehehehehe, nice...but telegrams? Maybe that joke needs to be brought about 50 years into the future...

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 3 Nov 2003, 02:02

Youngest son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'in reality'?"

Dad: "I will show you"

Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars?"

Wife: "Yes of course, I would never waste such an opportunity!"

Then Dad asks his daughter if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars.

Daughter: "Wow! Oh my God!!! This is my fantasy!"

So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars?"

Elder Son: "Huh, Yeah , why not?. Imagine what I could do with 1 million dollars! I would never hesitate!"

So the father turns back to his youngest son saying: "You see son, 'potentially' we are sitting on 3 million dollars; but 'in reality' we are living with 2 sluts and a poofter!!"

BigRed · Post by **BigRed** » 3 Nov 2003, 08:59

lol

Nice one KyJelly.

Revolt · Post by **Revolt** » 3 Nov 2003, 09:05

Ky.Jelly wrote:Youngest son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'in reality'?"

Dad: "I will show you"

Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars?"

Wife: "Yes of course, I would never waste such an opportunity!"

Then Dad asks his daughter if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars.

Daughter: "Wow! Oh my God!!! This is my fantasy!"

So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars?"

Elder Son: "Huh, Yeah , why not?. Imagine what I could do with 1 million dollars! I would never hesitate!"

So the father turns back to his youngest son saying: "You see son, 'potentially' we are sitting on 3 million dollars; but 'in reality' we are living with 2 sluts and a poofter!!"

ohh thats excellent. almost makes up for all the aussie jokes

chux · Post by **chux** » 3 Nov 2003, 13:03

Yep, thats a good one

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 3 Nov 2003, 18:54

Revolt wrote:ohh thats excellent. almost makes up for all the aussie jokes

nah im just saving those for later

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 3 Nov 2003, 20:52

Jokes guaranteed to offend almost everyone...

Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded

Q: What's blue and fucks old people?
A: Hypothermia

Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her

Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is f*cking her.

Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
A: They don't f*cking listen.

Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhoea

Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too.

Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
A. She rolls her own tampons.

Q. Why do fags like ribbed condoms?
A. Better traction in the mud.

Q. What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years old.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.

Q . What do you get when you cross two black people?
A. Your ass kicked.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.

Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A . Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
A. You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A. You know she'll swallow.

Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A. They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

petsen · Post by **petsen** » 3 Nov 2003, 21:34

LOL those were good!

more more more!

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 3 Nov 2003, 22:14

LOL Ky.Jelly! You're th funniest guy around!
*pukes*

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 3 Nov 2003, 22:34

just caus those aussies need all the help they can get and we kiwis are quite happy taking the piss outta ourselves as well

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little bit of fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to
him?"
Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the
Kiwi)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from
the elements."
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: "The sheep's a fecking liar!

BigRed · Post by **BigRed** » 4 Nov 2003, 07:40

LOL

Good work KyJelly.
Now lets here those Aussie ones.....

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 4 Nov 2003, 21:33

>A rich white man in Katherine (Northern Territory) decided that he wanted to
>throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited
>Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighborhood. He held the party around the
>pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time
>drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the
>women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating
>Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the
>balls to jump in."
>
>The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
>everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was fighting the
>croc and kicking its ass! JImmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his
>thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of ***** like head butts and
>chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc
>through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning
>and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and
>raising hell.
>
>Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart
>goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just
>staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I
>owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Jimmy.
>The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet."
>"How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it,"
>answered Jimmy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something.
>That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock
>options?" Again Jimmy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Jimmy,
>then what do you want?" Jimmy said, "I want the name of the Mother*&%er who
>pushed me in the Pool."

BigRed · Post by **BigRed** » 6 Nov 2003, 08:15

LOL

Doesn't really pay out AUS though.......

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 6 Nov 2003, 17:12

BigRed wrote:LOL
Doesn't really pay out AUS though.......

well then instead of commenting post you own lame ones

bob · Post by **bob** » 7 Nov 2003, 06:46

ok, i just decided i wanted to post here, so i made one up, and i dont think its good at all:

What do you call a New Zealander with halfa brain?

Lucky.

BigRed · Post by **BigRed** » 7 Nov 2003, 10:41

Good work bob.

Anyway KyJelly here's a joke.

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she
was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid
her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when
the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a
post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for
child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home
to his confused wife. "Honey", she said, "you received a strange post card
today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it", he said. The wife
obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and
fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with
meatballs, one without."

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 13 Nov 2003, 22:05

"A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it's going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... Oh how I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're a Tax Man...... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

BigRed · Post by **BigRed** » 14 Nov 2003, 09:24

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket. When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: ''Why the spoon?'' ''Well,'' he explained, ''the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift.'' As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said: ''I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'' I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter: ''Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'' ''Oh, certainly!'' he answered, lowering his voice. ''Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom.'' ''How so?'' ''See,'' he continued, ''by tying this string to the tip of ...you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent'' ''Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?'' ''Well,'' he whispered, lowering his voice even further, ''I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.''
--------------
Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger who looked both hungry and fast. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nikes. His friend looked at him.
''Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger?''

''I don't have to run faster than that tiger,'' his friend replied. ''I just have to run faster than you.''

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 21 Nov 2003, 22:32

> In a city park stood two beautiful statues, one female and the other male both nude. These two statues faced each other for many, many years (Naked, remember!). Early one morning an angel appeared

before the statues and said, "The two of you have been truly exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people that have visited the park over the years.

I am hereby authorized by God to give you the greatest wish that can be bestowed on you. I grant you the gift of life -- albeit as a limited offer. You have 30 minutes to do whatever your hearts desire."

And with that command, the two statues came to life. They smiled at each other, slowly moved their limbs about in wonderment, looked all around and then at their own bodies and finally back at each other. Still smiling they then ran to the nearby woods and dived behind a large bush. The angel smiles to herself as she listened to the giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

Even anagels knew of such things!

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the ushes, looking extremely satisfied and wearing nothing but even bigger smiles than before.

Puzzled, the angel looked at her watch and said to them, "You still have fifteen minutes. Wouldn't you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" "OH, YES!", the female statue replied. "But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll **** on it's head!"

devin · Post by **devin** » 21 Nov 2003, 23:31

Why would you wrap a hamster in duct tape???

so it doesnt explode when you fuck it!

BigRed · Post by **BigRed** » 22 Nov 2003, 02:18

One day, two guys Joe and Bob were out fishing. A funeral service passes over the bridge they're fishing by, and Bob takes off his hat and puts it over his heart. He does this until the funeral service passes by.

Joe then said "Gee Bob, I didn't know you had it in you!"

Bob then replies " It's the least I could do. After all I was married to her for 30 years."
--------------------
Two blondes rented a fishing boat, and were having a great day catching fish.

The first blonde said "This is such a great spot, we need to mark it so we can come back."

The second blonde proceeded to put a mark on the side of the boat.

The first blonde asked "What are you doing?"

The second blonde replied "Marking the spot."

"Don't be stupid" the first blonde said. "What if we don't get the same boat next time?"

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 22 Nov 2003, 22:33

> CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER
>
> "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed.
> Then I look into
> the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their
> hopes and dreams.
> If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams
> would be
> shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer
> and let their dreams
> come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
> ~ Jack Handy
> *****************************************************
> "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
> morning, that's as good as
> they're going to feel all day. "
> ~Frank Sinatra
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
> ~ Henny Youngman
> ***********************************************
> "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
> ~ Stephen Wright
> ******************************************************
> "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
> fall asleep, we
> commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all
> get drunk and go
> to heaven!"
> ~ Brian O'Rourke
> *******************************************************
> "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
> ~ Benjamin Franklin
> ****************************************************
> "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
> beer. Oh, I grant you
> that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go
> nearly as well with
> pizza."
> ~ Dave Barry
> ***************************************************
> BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
> ~ "Unknown"
> ***********************************************
> Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
> ************************************************
> To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
>
> **************************************************
> And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
> One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff
> Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how
> it went:
> "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
> fast
> as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest
> and
> weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection
> is good
> for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the
> whole
> group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In
> much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
> slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills
> brain
> cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells
> first. In
> this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
> making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you
> always feel smarter after a few beers."

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 23 Nov 2003, 00:13

LOL, except for this one:

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

Because I don't understand it.

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 23 Nov 2003, 00:25

"i" before "e" except after "c" or when the sound is "a"

this is an english language rule for getting the "i" and "e" the right way around in words such as "piece" or "friends"

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 23 Nov 2003, 20:02

THE FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP

1. It is important to find a woman who cooks, cleans up and has a job.

2. It is important to find a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It is important to find a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to
you.

4. It is important to find a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be
with you.

5. It is very important that these four women don't know each other

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 25 Nov 2003, 17:57

heres one for you cuz and jubs

John Mitchell asked Eddie Jones after the Quarter Final.
"Eddie, I thought I had the journey planned , how did you beat me ?".

"Pretty simple" replied Eddie
" I picked my players for their intelligence and asked them just one
question".

"That simple " said Mitchell ?
" Yep " replied Eddie
"Pick one of my squad and see how he does."

Mitchell thinks for a while then nominates Matt Rogers.
Eddie calls him over & asks him,
"Who is the child of your Father & of your Mother who is not your Brother
& is not your Sister?"
"Ah simple Eddie", says Matt, "its me".
"Well done Matty " says Eddie, & Mitchell is very impressed.

Mitchell returns to the Hotel & wonders about the intelligence of his team.
He calls in Rueben Thorne and asks him .
"Who is the child of your Father & of your Mother who is not your Brother &
is not your Sister?"
Rueben thinks & thinks & doesn't know the answer.
"Can I think about it a bit more Mitch & I'll give you an answer tomorrow
?".
"Of course" says Mitchell , "you've got 24 hours. But it is very important
that you come up with the answer."
Rueben goes away, thinks as hard as he can, & then he calls in his team
mates.

Carlos Spencer thought it might be his Grandpa but wasn't sure.
Aaron Mauger was certain that it couldn't be anyone.
Ali Williams refused to answer in case he was sacked for not knowing.
Steve Devine owned up to having failing the test and thats why he had to
come
to New Zealand and play for the All
Blacks.
Joe Rococoko thought it would be an Uncle in Fiji , who had been adopted as
a child.
Leon McDonald went into the foetal position.

The rest of the team wouldn't even hazard a guess.
20 hours later, Rueben is very worried that he still has no answer with only
4 hours to go.
Eventually Rueben, thinks , I know, I'll ring Merthens he's bloody smart,
he will know the answer.
He phones Merthens.
"Merts tell me , who is the child of your Father & of your Mother who is not
your Brother &
is not your Sister?"

Very simple says Merthens,
"Its me".
"Of course" says Rueben and rings Mitchell.
"Mitch", I've got the answer: , its Merthens".
No, you idiot", says Mitchell.
"It's Matt Rogers."

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 26 Nov 2003, 20:46

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

----------------------------------------------------------

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.

She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked.

The daughter-in-law answered "Waiting for my husband"

" But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. He instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said.

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 3 Dec 2003, 19:36

THE COLLEGE THEME PAPER: HE VS. SHE

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?
Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American
University. Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem
story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person
sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the
first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and
then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add
a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what
has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is
to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be
written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been
reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English
students:

Rebecca -last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.

STORY:
first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.
The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at
home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off
Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him
too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.

second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think
about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to
Geostation 17, he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit
established. No sign of resistance so far..."
But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed
out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The
jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the
****pit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before
he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman
who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie
read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited
her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth,
when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to
read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at
all the beautiful things around her. Why must one lose one's innocence
to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the
first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who
pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress
had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who
were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after
the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough
firepower to pulverize the entire planet.
With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical
plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded.
The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on
the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive
explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other
Americans.The President slammed his fist on the conference table.
"We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow
'em out of the sky!"

(rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of
literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate
adolescent.

(gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts
at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have
chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of ****ING TEA??? Oh no,
I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."

(rebecca)
Asshole.

(gary)
Bitch.

(rebecca)
Wanker.

(gary)
slut.

(rebecca)
Get ****ed.

(gary)
Eat ****.

(rebecca)
**** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
(gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.
**********************************************
(teacher)
A+ - I really liked this one

petsen · Post by **petsen** » 3 Dec 2003, 19:59

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

that one was really great kyJelly, where do u get this stuff ?

Dariuz · Post by **Dariuz** » 3 Dec 2003, 20:27

haha that was very entertaining

chux · Post by **chux** » 3 Dec 2003, 22:28

Ky.Jelly wrote:flying out of his seat and across the
****pit.

cockpit isnt a rude word y'know

Except for that, that one was really good