Humour of the Day

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 5 Jan 2004, 23:36

ez makes teh sense to me, its nat a matter of speaking or learning its a matter of understanding

chux · Post by **chux** » 6 Jan 2004, 01:13

Its just that "show him your cross" is taken as "show him that you're cross"
I thought it was pretty funny...

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 6 Jan 2004, 22:13

well it's not...

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 6 Jan 2004, 23:40

just tell a joke ffs

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 8 Jan 2004, 22:11

There is a company in Sweden called Locum AB, which owns and manages nursing homes and other medical buildings.

Locum decided to place an ad to celebrate Christmas and the New Year.

The copywriter at the ad agency suggested, "Why not replace the "o" in Locum with a heart. You know, all sort of cuddly and all?"

The coolest thing was the comment from locum's boss when the papers interviewed him about the mistake. "Ah, well. These things happen. And if it helps to fill our maternity wards we don't mind."

picture of teh add here
http://forums.jetstreamgames.co.nz/atta ... tid=100714

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 8 Jan 2004, 22:21

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and he presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the ****ing things in the first place.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 8 Jan 2004, 22:34

Ky.Jelly wrote:picture of teh add here
http://forums.jetstreamgames.co.nz/atta ... tid=100714

It would be good if teh link worked...
You need to be teh registered!!!

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 8 Jan 2004, 22:50

zworqy wrote:
Ky.Jelly wrote:picture of teh add here
http://forums.jetstreamgames.co.nz/atta ... tid=100714
It would be good if teh link worked...
You need to be teh registered!!!

lol to teh max, ill upload it better wen i get homeomg

Ramone · Post by **Ramone** » 12 Jan 2004, 20:47

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He
is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the
green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
"Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the
frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the
frog, "Wow that's amazing."

You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replys "Ribbit. Lucky
frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" The man asks.

"Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in
one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the
end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life
and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit.
Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The
frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette
table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog
replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf
game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes
sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says,
"Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this
money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since
after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the
frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 12 Jan 2004, 20:59

very good, all the way i thought it was same as some joke i heard before but no took nice ending to teh max, nice

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 13 Jan 2004, 18:52

http://www.themeatrix.com/

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 14 Jan 2004, 22:00

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three
year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to
get into the shower.
She said,"Mummy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, sweetie, remember Mummy has a baby growing
in her tummy."
I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bum?"

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of
Chicken Little to her class.
She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried
to warn the farmer.
She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the
farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you
think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said:
'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She
asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed.
How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered
the child innocently.
You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went
'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until God says, 'For Heaven's > sake,
Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light
when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep
with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear,"
she said.
I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
The big sissy."

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward. One little
girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and as she sat down,
the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on
microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six,
that son of a bitch is nine...."
\His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."
And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother
asked."Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher
the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus
two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I
taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 15 Jan 2004, 20:30

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.

BigRed · Post by **BigRed** » 16 Jan 2004, 03:59

lol that one was one of the best yet

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 18 Jan 2004, 20:16

Report Card Comments to be proud of
Actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as part of their final narratives. All teachers were reprimanded, but these are great!

1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 18 Jan 2004, 20:17

One day this blonde is driving and a truck driver tells her to pull over. He drew a circle on the ground and told her to stand in it and not come out. So he took a hammer and busted all of her windows, the blonde started giggling.
So he took a knife and tore all the leather seats in her car, again she giggled. So he tore up every thing else he could think of, again she giggled. He said " I have just ruined your car, why do you keep laughing???"
She said " every time you turned around, I stepped out of the circle."

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 18 Jan 2004, 20:21

HORSE RACE; The Line Up.

In lane 1. Passionate Lady
In lane 2. Bare Belly
In lane 3. Silk Panties
In lane 4. Conscience
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
In lane 6. Clean Sheets
In lane 7. Thighs
In lane 8. Big Dick
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
In lane 10. Merry Cherry

AND THEY'RE OFF!!!!

Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick
is in a dangerous spot.

AT THE HALFWAY MARK ;

It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is
pushing in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

AT THE STRETCH ;

Merry Cherry pops under the strain.
Bare Belly is making a final push.
Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

AT THE FINISH ;

Its Big Dick giving everthing he's got and Passioate Lady
takes everthing Big Dick has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with
one final thrust and wins by a head...
Bare Belly shows...
Thighs weaken...
Heavy Bosom pulls up...
and Clean Sheets never had a chance...

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 20 Jan 2004, 22:11

Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows on my PC, told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows CD. To my astonishment and distress he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned it on.

I was upset because the CD had become precious to me, but he said "Do not worry, it is unharmed." After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said "Take a close look at it."

To my surprise the CD was quite cold and it seemed to have become thicker and heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, in lines finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth.

4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C204F6E65204F5320746F
2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20
616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64207468656D

"I cannot read the fiery letters," I said. "No," he said, "but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says"

"One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 20 Jan 2004, 22:13

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...." Bond says.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 21 Jan 2004, 20:02

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle especially in public. From the Sydney, Australia morning Herald News comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 1 Feb 2004, 23:34

Read them out loud

1) That's not right......................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?............. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP. ............................... Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man................................ Dum ***
5) Small Horse............................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?.................. Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ..........Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift. ............. Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here.................... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet.......... Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone.................. No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week... Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight..................... Le i Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile............. Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive.............. Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) I feel Great.................................... Fa Kin Su Pah

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 1 Feb 2004, 23:36

> One day at TAN TOCK SENG HOSPITAL - Center for
> Communicable Disease
>
> This story was told by a nurse...and she swears this
> really happened in her ward.
>
> A man suspected of SARs was lying in bed with an mask
> over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appeared to
> sponge his face and hands.
> "Nurse," he mumbled from behind the mask, "Are my
> testicles black?"
>
> The embarrassed young nurse replied, "I don't know Mr
> ******,
> I'm only here to wash your face and hands".
> He struggled again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles
> black?"
> Again the nurse replied, "I can't tell. I'm only here
> to wash your face and hands."
>
> The Head Nurse was passing and saw the man getting a
> little distraught so she marched over to inquire what
> was wrong.
>
> "Nurse," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?" Being a
> nurse of long-standing, the Head Nurse was undaunted.
>
> She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his
> pajama
> trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right
> good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the
> bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with your testicles!!!"
>
> At this the man pulled off his mask and asked again,
> "I SAID!!!!! Are my test results back???"

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 1 Feb 2004, 23:39

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and
said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang
the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to......"
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a speciality of
babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch
and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun
too....you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, my, that's a lot of ..! ! ." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and
out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a
good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate!
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally,when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um,
equipment ?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that
we can get to work."
"Tripod??", questioned Mrs. Smith.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long.
Madam? Madam?...Good Lord, she's fainted!"

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 1 Feb 2004, 23:40

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 1 Feb 2004, 23:47

You lost the beginning in that last one, Ky.Jelly

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 3 Feb 2004, 22:21

i was just testing to see if anyone actually reads them

caus if nat then i want spend time doing it

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 3 Feb 2004, 23:15

Ky.Jelly wrote:i was just testing to see if anyone actually reads them
caus if nat then i want spend time doing it

ye right.

Ramone · Post by **Ramone** » 4 Feb 2004, 02:41

I would have bitched about it if it wasnt for the fact I had allready read it. And yes, I do read then. That is also the reason why I asked for new ones in mirc a while ago. Yey. More jokes... not too many. Just when really really good ones... Yeah!

Ramone · Post by **Ramone** » 4 Feb 2004, 03:01

One day there was a hippie who got on a bus. The bus was very
crowded and the man took a seat next to a young nun. He was very
attracted to the nun, because she was surprisingly beautiful.
After getting his courage up, he finally said to the nun "Will
you have sex with me?" The nun, disgusted, told the bus driver
to stop the bus and she got off. The man was very disappointed
and he moved up to the front of the bus to wait for his stop.
Seeing that the young hippie was upset, the bus driver decided
to help him out. He said to the young man, "I know that nun.
Every night, she goes to the grave yard at 9:00 to pray at the
grave of her friend. If you go there and pretend that you are
Jesus, there is no way she would turn down God's request. Just
tell her that you are Jesus and ask her to have sex with you."
This gave the hippie great hope.

That night, he went to the graveyard, and sure enough, there was
the nun. As she kneeled down, he decided to make his move. He
walked over to her, dressed in a white robe with a hood and said
to the nun "I am Jesus Christ, will you have sex with me?" Now,
of course the nun could not deny the power of God, so she
agreed. "I just have one request," said the nun, "it has to be
anal sex, so I can remain a virgin and continue in my
sisterhood." The disguised hippie agreed and the two had sex.

When they were done, the man thought that it would be funny to
reveal his identity to the nun. He took off his robe, revealing
a tye dyed shirt, ripped jeans, and hemp nacklaces. "HA HA!! I'm
not Jesus, I'm the hippie!" He exclaimed.

Much to the young man's surprise, the nun took off her habit,
revealing a gray shirt and gray pants. Laughing, she yelled "HA
HA! I'm not the nun, I'm the bus driver!"

BigRed · Post by **BigRed** » 4 Feb 2004, 09:43

Lol to the baby 1.
btw KyJelly I read them........

Ramone · Post by **Ramone** » 4 Feb 2004, 14:42

What did the one tomato tell the other after they had crossed the road?
-"Come on Ketchup, lets go!"

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 4 Feb 2004, 18:12

lol ramone, now i got some competition ill get some good ones

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 4 Feb 2004, 21:46

ramone wrote:What did the one tomato tell the other after they had crossed the road?
-"Come on Ketchup, lets go!"

Hehe... that one's so old its almost funny again...!

chux · Post by **chux** » 6 Feb 2004, 20:48

Ky.Jelly wrote:The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

I thought this was gonna be an elma joke

I read them too

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 8 Feb 2004, 19:08

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake.

He yells up to his wife, to look out the window and says "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.

The wife is not sure and says, "What?"

The man repeats his gestures, ... points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion... "EYE KNEE THE RAKE"

The wife understands and signals back.

She first points to her eye ... next she points to her left breast.....then she points to her butt...and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close to
understanding that one.

Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the friggin' hell was that?"

She replies, EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 8 Feb 2004, 19:10

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John"
letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us
is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice,
since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow grunts for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky
included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected
from his mates. There were 57 photos in that envelope... along with this note:
Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take
your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky

Ramone · Post by **Ramone** » 10 Feb 2004, 11:20

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up
Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few
hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into
a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house
if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the
barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney.
He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you
remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to
the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

Ramone · Post by **Ramone** » 10 Feb 2004, 11:22

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a
nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four
hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four
hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so
high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is
the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that
the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference
center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them." the man complains. "Well, they are
here, and you could have." explains the manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows
for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New
York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here." the manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows." complains the man
again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have." the manager replies.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies,
"But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager.
The mnager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir,"
he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping
with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the mnager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

Ramone · Post by **Ramone** » 10 Feb 2004, 11:23

I have the body of a God.... Buddha

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

chux · Post by **chux** » 10 Feb 2004, 18:02

Ehh, Buddha wasnt a god...

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 11 Feb 2004, 22:44

chux wrote:Ehh, Buddha wasnt a god...

wtf, i hope you nat serious

Jalli · Post by **Jalli** » 11 Feb 2004, 23:26

Well, he wasn't exactly a God. His name is really Siddharta Gautama if I remember correctly

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 11 Feb 2004, 23:59

Jalli wrote:Well, he wasn't exactly a God. His name is really Siddharta Gautama if I remember correctly

damn you riddle, quizzing trivial maniac

))

Ramone · Post by **Ramone** » 12 Feb 2004, 14:47

Well, his name was siddharta when he was a man walkign on earth... then he found (damn... just figured I dotn know these words in english) well.. total "insight" (all wrong word, I know. best I could find)

He sat unde this plumtree or soemthign for along time and blah blah blah... Big staues of Buddha everywhere... GOlden Buddhas.... IÂ´ve seen a 40 m high Golden Buddha at Big Buddha Beach... Even though he was a man at 1st, he is the God they belive in now I guess. Many of the statues of Buddha shows a FAT man... So "down there" they call fat ppl Buddha

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 12 Feb 2004, 19:34

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mile per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60,perhaps your radar needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful your >radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut." The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing >your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking

m0nkeii · Post by **m0nkeii** » 13 Feb 2004, 08:18

they don't worship buddha, coz he's not and never was a god, but they practise the way of buddha and inner peace and all that crap

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 15 Feb 2004, 22:27

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place Some of these are excellent don't miss the last
one.
________________________________________
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
________________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
______________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_______________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
________________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
_________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
_________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
__________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
__________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
____________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
___________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
___________________________________________
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
___________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
__________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law
somewhere.

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 15 Feb 2004, 22:40

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three
year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to
get into the shower.
She said,"Mummy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, sweetie, remember Mummy has a baby growing
in her tummy."
I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bum?"

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of
Chicken Little to her class.
She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried
to warn the farmer.
She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the
farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you
think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said:
'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She
asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed.
How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered
the child innocently.
You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went
'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until God says, 'For Heaven's > sake,
Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light
when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep
with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear,"
she said.
I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
The big sissy."

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward. One little
girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and as she sat down,
the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on
microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six,
that son of a bitch is nine...."
\His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."
And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother
asked."Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher
the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus
two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I
taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

teajay · Post by **teajay** » 15 Feb 2004, 23:38

lol at the last one from first post.
second one was already posted.

Post by **SveinR** » 15 Feb 2004, 23:41

I have a strange feeling I've read all those in the last post before...not checking up on ye ol' postings ky?