Humour of the Day

teajay · Post by **teajay** » 1 Sep 2005, 00:37

Hah, funny story. Great detail was the actual phone number. I wonder how he could transpose the last 2 digits?

8-ball · Post by **8-ball** » 1 Sep 2005, 07:54

That was great

Jalli · Post by **Jalli** » 7 Sep 2005, 16:04

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the Pincess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would - no matter what: metal, wood, stone, you name it - anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he announced a competition: Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel but, alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt but, alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was went away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red with embarrassment. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

Answer: M&M's, of course, they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!

What were you thinking, you perverts?

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 8 Sep 2005, 03:00

lol nice jalli

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an
audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the
Holy Father.
Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for
you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around
and
gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship,are
there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"Dopey,there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time, all of the
other
dwarfs burst into laughter.Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them
with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world?"
After consulting with his advisers, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my
son,there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding
the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting,
"Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin

teajay · Post by **teajay** » 8 Sep 2005, 21:08

HAHA. you bettered your last one. Incredible joke!

BigRed · Post by **BigRed** » 6 Oct 2005, 12:21

That joke KyJelly posted about the telephone calls to jerks....
Someone made it into a flash a few weeks ago....
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/foaf1

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 6 Oct 2005, 12:43

BigRed wrote:That joke KyJelly posted about the telephone calls to jerks....
Someone made it into a flash a few weeks ago....
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/foaf1

*cough* That was me, nat Ky.Jelly

But coal flash

dorTrus · Post by **dorTrus** » 6 Oct 2005, 13:42

such a long movie! I haven`t sound card at my work, bu it was very interesting to watch

sierra · Post by **sierra** » 6 Oct 2005, 14:56

that penguin one is good but max old :/

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 17 Oct 2005, 06:04

joke time perhaps?

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

"Hi, is Tony home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 17 Oct 2005, 06:05

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Priest."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad.
The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.

The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the priest.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it" said the young man.
"When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the Supermarket anymore either..."

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 17 Oct 2005, 06:05

This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! This
was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to
find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner
described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no
question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had
taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a
day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had
never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they
were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an
hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a
point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside
the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants
down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she
let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and
ndeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could
think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing
nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks
were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to
pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her
flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand
new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humour of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply
that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some
assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and
then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose
themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the
situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from
the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the
predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only
one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time
date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize
hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down."

........And you thought your first date was embarrassing.!!

Jay Leno's comment . "This gives a whole new meaning to being 'pissed off."

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 17 Oct 2005, 06:06

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive
is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A large black man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done, "the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"you know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding." he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 17 Oct 2005, 06:07

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship,they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman.
She's the only one that really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man..

* A Male's Response *

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

teajay · Post by **teajay** » 17 Oct 2005, 08:59

Genie in a bottle one cracked me up, damn =)

A couple have just gotten their first baby and friends of them come to visit to check it out. Before they walk up to the babyroom the mother warns them:

"Don't be afraid of the sight. During my pregnancy I had been smoking too much, and the baby has lost both arms and legs."

The friends, a bit shocked, rehabilitate theirselves and go on. Then when the mother is about to open the door, the father explains:

"You should prepare for just one thing else. During the operation, complications occured, and the baby's head shriveled. Honestly, it's practically only an ear..."

Even more shocked, the friends enter the room. One of the friends, a bit upset, tries to save the uncomfortable situation and says:

"Ooh, what a cute little ear you are!"

"Don't bother, unfortunately he's deaf."

Tm · Post by Tm » 23 Oct 2005, 17:38

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages

ElToto · Post by **ElToto** » 24 Oct 2005, 13:47

There are only 10 sorts of person over the world :

those who understand binary, and those who don't.

8-ball · Post by **8-ball** » 24 Oct 2005, 14:05

please, not that lame joke again.

sierra · Post by **sierra** » 31 Oct 2005, 14:08

A man called Eric arrived home from a hard day's work at the construction site to find his wife in tears. "Honey", he said worriedly, "what ever is the matter?". She looked at him with sad eyes and replied "Baby it's just that I feel we are getting old and our sex life isn't what it used to be." They discussed the matter further and decided that the following night they would have a romantic dinner and then a relaxing bath together and then make their way into the candlelit bedroom for a passionnate romp.

The next day Eric arrived and walked into his scented living room to find his wife wearing some very sexy lingerie and she looked at him with pleading, lustful eyes and gestured towards the sofa. However, Eric was stunned to find that he was unable to perform; he just wasn't getting an erection. Couldn't do it. Didn't work. He was mortified, and stormed out of the house in a rage. He jumped into his car and sped off to the red light district, determined to prove to himself that he was still youthful enough to be sexually aroused. He parked outside the nearest brothel and had sex with 3 gorgeous prostitutes.

He contracted AIDS, and died within 6 months.

Raven · Post by **Raven** » 31 Oct 2005, 14:28

Why africans have big eyes?
- That they can see hunger better

jw · Post by jw » 31 Oct 2005, 14:47

sierra wrote:A man called Eric arrived home from a hard day's work at the construction site to find his wife in tears. "Honey", he said worriedly, "what ever is the matter?". She looked at him with sad eyes and replied "Baby it's just that I feel we are getting old and our sex life isn't what it used to be." They discussed the matter further and decided that the following night they would have a romantic dinner and then a relaxing bath together and then make their way into the candlelit bedroom for a passionnate romp.

The next day Eric arrived and walked into his scented living room to find his wife wearing some very sexy lingerie and she looked at him with pleading, lustful eyes and gestured towards the sofa. However, Eric was stunned to find that he was unable to perform; he just wasn't getting an erection. Couldn't do it. Didn't work. He was mortified, and stormed out of the house in a rage. He jumped into his car and sped off to the red light district, determined to prove to himself that he was still youthful enough to be sexually aroused. He parked outside the nearest brothel and had sex with 3 gorgeous prostitutes.

He contracted AIDS, and died within 6 months.

I don't get the point. What is the fun part? That they didn't "really" getting old?

Lukazz · Post by **Lukazz** » 31 Oct 2005, 15:31

it's one of the anti-jokes i think

8-ball · Post by **8-ball** » 31 Oct 2005, 16:35

ye like, it's some boy's birthday. his mom tells him to see his present in the park on a table. on his way he falls and grassmower drives over his legs. with last energy he makes it to the box pulling towards it with his arms to find brand new shoes in it. the end.

jw · Post by jw » 31 Oct 2005, 16:46

ok, i liked the movie: "i ♥ huckabees"
there was some humour in that comedy

Dynamo · Post by **Dynamo** » 2 Nov 2005, 02:05

A woman is in a little hotel and is inside an elevator going up to her room. A man enters and accidentally elbows her in the breast. He says, "oops but I guess if your tit is as soft as your heart, you'll forgive me."

The woman replies, "Okay but if your elbow is as hard as your dick, I'll be staying in room 113 tonight!"

Oh SNAP!

sierra · Post by **sierra** » 2 Nov 2005, 03:37

hm, i'm quite sure you got the order wrong there. seems like should be

"if your heart is as soft as your tit"

and

"if your dick is as hard as your elbow"

petsen · Post by **petsen** » 2 Nov 2005, 19:39

ElToto wrote:There are only 10 sorts of person over the world :

those who understand binary, and those who don't.

and i dont get it :/

Lukazz · Post by **Lukazz** » 2 Nov 2005, 19:44

haha he is the sort who don't understand binary i think

DamRho · Post by **DamRho** » 2 Nov 2005, 20:31

A guy goes into a pet-shop looking to buy a pet. He asks the clerk if there is anything in the shop that might interest him. The clerk replies "We have this frog, which is a very special frog, he will give you the best oral sex you will ever have in your entire life. It's better than anything your twisted mind could ever conceive, you just have to try it out and see for yourself." The guy is obviously a bit reluctant, after all a frog that gives men oral sex is not something you've ever heard of. After some discussion the man decides that he might as well try it out and so he buys the frog and takes it home.
Later that day the woman comes home to find the man laying on the couch like he had just been drinking martinis in paradise, looking absolutely relaxed and pleased with himself. The frog is, of course, standing proudly on his shoulder. She asks "What happened?" so the guy replies "Baby, if this frog here learns how to cook, you are sooooo f*cked..."

Dynamo · Post by **Dynamo** » 2 Nov 2005, 21:46

haha nice one

Xiphias · Post by **Xiphias** » 25 Nov 2005, 16:38

http://www.projectwasted.com/phpnuke/pi ... coming.jpg

DamRho · Post by **DamRho** » 16 Dec 2005, 00:24

Here's one I've heard today, found it very funny.

There's this priest that's a bit racist and everything that goes wrong with the world he just says it's all because of the spanish. So in his usual preaching he usually rants going "the spanish were all sent by the devil to kill us all" and all those catastrophic stuff only priests can tell you. Of course, this proceeding is not very popular so eventually the religious authority of the area feels like he has to intervene and so he tells the priest that he shouldn't be so biased and stop talking about the spanish in church. So the priest decides to skip his usual "spanish sent by Satan" speech but as he's talking about the last supper he goes like

"And so Jesus gathered his apostles and with them he shared his flesh and blood. At the end of the meal, Jesus looked at Judas by his side. Judas replied "Hey Jesus, porque me miras assi?!"

Dunno. It's funnier if it's told in person.

DamRho · Post by **DamRho** » 20 Dec 2005, 01:42

OK, here's another one to see if anyone else dares put some humour in these boards. This is kind of a geek/nerd joke.

A hydrogen atom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "Gee, you look a little down today, is anything wrong?" and the atom replies "Yes, I think I may have lost an electron." The bartender asks "Are you sure?!", and the atom replies "I'm positive."

teajay · Post by **teajay** » 20 Dec 2005, 17:39

Well, not amazing. But still it was funny.

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 26 Dec 2005, 22:17

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced his altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 45 degrees north latitude and between 9 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am!" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 26 Dec 2005, 22:18

A guy stops to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get me my sneakers for me?"
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous daughters.
He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to fuck you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 26 Dec 2005, 22:20

i may have posted this before, if not enjoy

* Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
* Witness: "I only have one, you know."

* Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
* Witness: "By death."
* Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

* Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"

The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

* Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
* Witness: "July 15th."
* Lawyer: "What year?"
* Witness: "Every year."

* Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
* Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
* Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
* Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
* Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
* Witness: "'Winchester'!"

* Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
* Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

* Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
* Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
* Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
* Witness: "Er...his face."

* Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
* Witness: "Yes."
* Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
* Witness: "I forget."
* Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

* Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
* Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
* Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
* Witness: "Forty-five years."

* Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
* Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
* Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
* Witness: "My name is Susan."

* Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
* Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

* Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
* Witness: "After the accident?"
* Lawyer: "Before the accident."
* Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

* Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
* Witness: "Yes."
* Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
* Witness: "Yes, sir."
* Lawyer: "What did she say?"
* Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

* Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
* Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
* Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
* Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

* Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

* Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
* Officer: "Yes, I do."
* Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
* Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

* Lawyer: "What happened then?"
* Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
* Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
* Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

* Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

* Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"

* Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"

* Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

* Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"

* Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
* Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

* Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
* Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
* Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"

* Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
* Witness: "That's me."
* Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

* Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

* Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
* Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
* Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
* Witness: "Yes."
* Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"

* Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
* Witness: "Four times."

* Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

* Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
* Witness: "Yes."
* Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
* Witness: "None."
* Lawyer: "Were there girls?"

* Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

* Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
* Witness: "Yes."
* Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

* Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
* Witness: "Not yet."

* Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

* Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
* Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
* Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"

* Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
* Witness: "Borofkin."
* Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
* Witness: "I can't remember."
* Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
* Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"

* Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
* Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
* Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
* Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
* Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
* Witness: "No."

* Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
* Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

* Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
* Witness: "Fair."

* Lawyer: "Are you married?"
* Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
* Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
* Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

* Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
* Witness: "My ex-widow said it.

* Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
* Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."

* Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
* Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."

* Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
* Witness: "Yes sir."
* Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

* Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
* Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

* The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."

* Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
* Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
* Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
* Witness: "Attached to the ears."

* Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
* Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

* Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
* Witness: "Oral."
* Lawyer: "How old are you?"
* Witness: "Oral."

* Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
* Witness: "She is my daughter."
* Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"

* Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

* Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"

* Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
* Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
* Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"

* Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
* Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."

* Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
* Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
* Lawyer: "It was covered?"
* Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
* Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
* Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."

* Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
* Witness: "I could see his head."
* Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
* Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

* Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
* Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."

* Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
* Witness: "The victim lived."

* Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
* Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

* Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
* Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."

petsen · Post by **petsen** » 26 Dec 2005, 23:22

rofl with 3 friends at those

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 8 Jan 2006, 12:37

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back....or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few women who did...

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me was screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a particular question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow -- but don't get any....a true story.

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Juski · Post by **Juski** » 8 Jan 2006, 17:07

OMG that is freaking funny! some of the best stuff i ahve heard! xDDDD

Dynamo · Post by **Dynamo** » 8 Jan 2006, 17:14

wtf the only funny one is the last one

petsen · Post by **petsen** » 8 Jan 2006, 17:58

gotta agree with dynamo, last one was funny the others were ok though

Juski · Post by **Juski** » 25 Jan 2006, 21:12

I found this one very funny:

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 24 Mar 2006, 23:29

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

(Don't ya love military time?!)

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 24 Mar 2006, 23:30

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost
track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to
enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be
interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic."

Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep
pace with you now. I'm a
bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw
me!"

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise"
to the challenge.

"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a
man with a waistline
that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me,
saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was
sure I would still be a great lover.

"Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds
myself!"

.
.
.

So I told her to f*ck off.

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 24 Mar 2006, 23:39

Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think about him/her?

Well, if you like YOUR Dean as much as I like MY Dean, then you'd better keep your mouth shut. I knew I'd get kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years.

But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon).

Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye.

"Hey Bitch," I said. "You're so damn ugly,... you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!"

And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years.

Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world:

"In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!"

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 24 Mar 2006, 23:40

Diet for Stress

BREAKFAST:
* 1/2 grapefruit
* 1 slice whole wheat toast
* 8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:
* 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
* 1 cup steamed spinach
* 1 cup herb tea
* 1 Oreo cookie

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK:
* The rest of Oreos in the package
* 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream
* 1 jar hot fudge sauce

DINNER:
* 2 loaves garlic bread
* 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
* 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
* 3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News:
*Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

RULES FOR THIS DIET
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories.

8. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

9. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

10. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.

11. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

12. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

13. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

14. REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 24 Mar 2006, 23:50

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks a bold question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
.
.
HUSBAND: "Shit."

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 24 Mar 2006, 23:52

DOGS DIARY...

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favourite!

8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!

9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!

Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favourite!

2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite!

3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!

4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favourite!

6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mum! My favourite!

7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favourite!

8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!

9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favourite!

11pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favourite!

CAT'S DIARY...

Day 483 of my captivity...

My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.

The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction that I get from clawing their furniture.

Tomorrow I will eat another houseplant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of
the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair. I must remember to try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, that did not work according to plan...

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." I must learn what this is and how I may use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches;

* The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.
* The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.

But I have patience, I can wait, it is only a matter of time......

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 24 Mar 2006, 23:53

What I want in a Man

What I Want in a Man, Original List

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet