Humour of the Day

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 29 Aug 2003, 22:10

Well i was a thinking, "We dont have a joke section" so i decided that i would in fact create a joke topic, and well here it is, feel free to enlighten us with your good or crap jokes. well actually more good than crap but that alright

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 29 Aug 2003, 22:11

Now here it goes...

A man won a ticket to the Super Bowl, but when he got there, he was very disappointed. He was on the far left, at the back. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than he was to the field, but halfway through the first quarter he spotted the best seat in the house.

He went over to the empty seat and said to the guy sitting beside it, "Is anyone sitting here?" "No.", the guy replied. So the man sat down, and about 30 minutes later, he couldn't resist saying, "Man! This is an awesome seat! Whoever gave it up must be CRAZY!" The guy sitting next to him replied, "Well, actually, that was supposed to be my wife's seat, but she died." The man, feeling like **** said, "Oh, that's awful, but couldn't you have asked a relative to come with you?"

"No", said the guy. The man was confused, and asked, "Why not?" The guy replied, "Because they're all at the funeral."
Now, this is actually sad...

Let's try it again...

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"

The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"

The brother replied, "Denephew."

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 30 Aug 2003, 23:33

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines.

The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

bob · Post by **bob** » 31 Aug 2003, 03:26

here goes....

a son said to his father "dad, may you lend me $500 to buy a car" but the father replied "i will give you money when your penis can touch your ass". ten years later, the son asks again "dad, may you lend me $500 to buy a car" and again the father replied "can your dick touch your ass?" the son said "no".

2 years later, the father's business goes bankrupt, leaving him to try and borrow money off his son: "son may i lend $500 to get back on track" and his son replied "can your dick touch your ass?" the father said "it sure can" and the son said "then go fuck yourself!"

bob · Post by **bob** » 31 Aug 2003, 03:31

ok this one is slightly yuk..but here goes...

the daughter asked her father if she could borrow his skateboard (hahaha) and the father said "i will let you borrow it when you suck my dick". the daughter refused, and kept asking for the rest of the day, until she finally decided to do it.

While doing it, she says to here father "your dick tastes like shit" and the father replied "thats because your brother asked to borrow the car"

chux · Post by **chux** » 31 Aug 2003, 14:41

haahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaahhaahhahahaah
Very good so far...

bob · Post by **bob** » 2 Sep 2003, 06:08

good topic, but seems people would rather make stupid little tips of days.

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 2 Sep 2003, 09:16

bob wrote:good topic, but seems people would rather make stupid little tips of days.

sorry bob, i got a couple for you

A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the
time?"

The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket,removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man."

"Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my arse."

With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an
old friend stopped him.

"Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend.

Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his arse!"

"So what's your hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's one that some people will like and some people might not get. But here goes:

A man dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates St. Peter looks the man's name up in the big book and says, "Well, sir, this is an interesting case. It seems you were exactly as good as you were evil. In these cases, we let the person decide if they want to spend eternity in heaven or hell."
The man thinks and says, "Well, I've heard a lot of things about both sides. But I am afraid it might be biased. Can you give me some honest information?"
St. Peter nods and gives the man a small stack of travel brochures of both places. The man goes away to study them. An hour or so later, the man comes back and says, "I've decided. I want to go to hell."
St. Peter is shocked, and asks why. The man replies, "Well, heaven looks nice, but you see, in life, my passion was mountain climbing. And hell has massive volcanos that should be nearly impossible to climb, as well as looming glaciers near them Lake of Ice. It's too big a challenge to pass up!"
St. Peter says, "Well, okay, but I think you should reconsider. In heaven we have wonderful beaches on the Sea of Eternal Joy. You can play volleyball, or just grab a surfboard and hang ten!"
The man nods, and says, "Yes, I considered that, but I'm afraid my decision is final."
He adds, "There's better terrain in hell than surf in heaven."

MopoGirl · Post by **MopoGirl** » 2 Sep 2003, 11:25

didn't get that last one

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 2 Sep 2003, 11:25

You're right, I didn't quite get that last one...? But I think it's funny if you do...

Post by **SveinR** » 2 Sep 2003, 16:09

The key is word-play people....what could "terrain" be? I'm not gonna say what it is for you though...

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 2 Sep 2003, 21:53

OK, I figured it out earlier today... Not as funny as I thought...

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 2 Sep 2003, 22:56

zworqy wrote:OK, I figured it out earlier today... Not as funny as I thought...

well then to make up for my lack of humour, you can feel free to post some of your own larakins

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 2 Sep 2003, 23:20

Ky.Jelly wrote:larakins

?????????

Anyway,

A patient in a mental institution is walking down the hallway with a toothbrush in a leash. A doctor comes by. "What a nice dog", he says.
"It's not a dog, can't you seeÂ´it's a toothbrush?" the patient said. The confused doctor walks away, but then he hears from behind: "We fooled him good, didn't we Fido?"

petsen · Post by **petsen** » 2 Sep 2003, 23:34

lol some good one comin around here

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 3 Sep 2003, 04:05

3 guys drinkin' at a bar...

The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!"

bob · Post by **bob** » 3 Sep 2003, 08:26

hahaha you mean jelly's sister

petsen · Post by **petsen** » 3 Sep 2003, 18:55

wehuuuu!

A man comes walking at the beach, and sees this girl crying, he stops and asks her "why are you crying?" . "Well" she says, "its because I have no arms, no legs, im 23 years old, and ive never been kissed before!".
So the man lifts her up and kisses her, puts her down and starts walking again. The girl also starts crying again and he turns around and asks her again "why are you crying?" "well" says the girl, "its because i have no arms, no legs, im 23 years old, and ive never been fucked before!". So the man lifts her up again and throws her into the water, "NOW YOU'RE FUCKED!"

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 3 Sep 2003, 20:16

OMG, that was cruel petsen!...

Here's a (slightly) better one:

Which is the smallest church in the world?
...
The Condom.
There's only room for 1 to stand, and the bells are hanging outside...

bob · Post by **bob** » 4 Sep 2003, 08:15

old petsen

petsen · Post by **petsen** » 4 Sep 2003, 08:28

bob wrote:old petsen

Ã¯ just heard it a few weeks ago...

anyway i thought i was funny

chux · Post by **chux** » 4 Sep 2003, 12:30

It IS funny

2fast · Post by **2fast** » 5 Sep 2003, 18:38

ye shit happends,I got banned from my own team chan

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 6 Sep 2003, 03:45

There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish icefishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win - they kept pulling out fish after fish.

Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back.

"A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 6 Sep 2003, 03:47

Three married couples of a local community were wanting to become members of a very select church. The preacher was very selective of who he let in and who he turned away. One couple had been married 50 years, one couple had been married 20 years and the other couple had been married less than a year. The preacher explained that all church members had to be totally focused and supportive in order to be recommended for membership and in order to prove their worth, the three couples could not engage in sex for 3 weeks. They all agreed.

After 3 weeks the preacher called the couples into his office to discuss how they were able to accomplish the task. The first couple (50 years married) stated that there was no problem. The 3 weeks just flew by. The second couple (20 years married) stated that it was hard and in fact they almost went over the line, but they had in fact remained celebate the entire 3 weeks. The third couple (married less than a year) were asked how thing went.

Well, the husband said, the first 2 weeks were ok, but by the third week I was starting to go crazy. Then one day my wife was wearing one of her tight skirts that I like so much, and she had an armload of peaches. She dropped a few of the peaches and bent over to pick them up. Well, the view of her fine backside bending over in that tight skirt was just too much for me and I couldn't take it any more. I jumped her right then and there. The preacher was shocked and red-faced and stated that "you are just not welcome here, do you understand, you are not welcome here again".

The wife hung her head in shame and stated, "that is the same thing the manager at the supermarket told us"

cyre · Post by **cyre** » 7 Sep 2003, 21:37

There once was a bear hunter who was having no luck in finding his quarry. All at once, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was a huge grizzly bear.

The hunter's shock was increased when the bear spoke to him. "You are hunting me, I'll bet", said the bear. "You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or fuck you up the arse!"

The hunter didn't want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his booty. The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin.

The next day, the hunter decided to kill the bear for revenge. But, as luck would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, the hunter felt the tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer.

The third day, the hunter was really irate and decided he would torture and kill that bear! Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When the man felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzly's offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said, "You're not really into this for the hunting anymore, are you?!

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 8 Sep 2003, 10:27

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You goddamn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"

Revolt · Post by **Revolt** » 22 Sep 2003, 22:42

hehehe, these are great

petsen · Post by **petsen** » 23 Sep 2003, 06:02

LOL great work guys

cyre · Post by **cyre** » 28 Sep 2003, 10:07

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sits in his office and watches them work.

Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.

Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."

m0nkeii · Post by **m0nkeii** » 29 Sep 2003, 13:01

Two gay guys are in their house when it starts burining down.
Q: Which one gets out of the house first, the giver or the receiver?
A: The receiver because his shit's already packed.

now some sadist baby jokes

Q: What's better than 10 babies nailed to 1 tree?
A: 1 baby nailed to 10 trees.

Q: What's the difference between a baby and a fridge?
A: Fridges don't scream when you pack your meat in them.

chux · Post by **chux** » 29 Sep 2003, 17:50

Ok, a teacher asks a pupil "If there are 5 birds on a roof, and I shoot one, how many are left?" The kid says "None, cos when you fire the gun theyd all fly off" the teacher says "Ah, I like the way you think!"
The kid then asks "If there are 3 women on a bench eating an ice cream, one is biting it, one is licking it and one is sucking it, which one is married?" The teacher looks a bit embarrased and says "umm...the one...sucking it i guess"
The kid says "Nah, its the one with the wedding ring, but i like the way you think"

Revolt · Post by **Revolt** » 2 Oct 2003, 02:34

not a joke but quite funny:

the new airport scanner!

http://www.geocities.com/revolt_elma/airport.zip

copy link and paste into new browser

warning: contains nudity

BigRed · Post by **BigRed** » 5 Oct 2003, 08:55

I got some good long ones but I'm too lazy 2 type them.
- My best mate ran off with my wife. Gee I miss him.
- I'm not racist i have a colour TV

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 7 Oct 2003, 03:43

A city cop on his horse is waiting to cross the street when a little boy on his new shiny bike stops beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop says. "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little boy replies, "he sure did!"

The cop looks the bike over and hands the boy a $20 ticket for a safety violation. The cop says, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young boy looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you got there, Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he did," chuckles the cop. The little boy looks up at him and says,
"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 7 Oct 2003, 12:53

My fav short ones are:

"Don't swear so fucking much!"

and

"Fuck ce***rship!" (Fuck censorship)

chux · Post by **chux** » 7 Oct 2003, 18:17

Ky.Jelly wrote:chuckles the cop.

Theres a scary thought

Napoleon · Post by **Napoleon** » 8 Oct 2003, 14:38

hahah, this is fun ;D~

petsen · Post by **petsen** » 8 Oct 2003, 19:39

Why did the siamese twins go to England ???

so the other one could drive!

MopoGirl · Post by **MopoGirl** » 8 Oct 2003, 21:48

petsen wrote:Why did the siamese twins go to England ???

so the other one could drive!

haha that's good

chux · Post by **chux** » 8 Oct 2003, 23:25

Ohh! as in conjoined twins!

It took me a while to get that, I thought you meant twins who were siamese...is there a place called Siam?

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 9 Oct 2003, 10:17

chux wrote:Ohh! as in conjoined twins!
It took me a while to get that, I thought you meant twins who were siamese...is there a place called Siam?

Yes, it's called Thailand now... well it's some country around there at least.
The first (known) conjoined twins was Eng and Chang something from Siam in the 19th century. Hence the name "siamese twins".

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 10 Oct 2003, 00:53

HOW TO POO AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked Back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a

FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It
is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

chux · Post by **chux** » 10 Oct 2003, 21:52

I sure hope that wasnt put together through experience...funny how much of it ts true though...

BigRed · Post by **BigRed** » 14 Oct 2003, 10:07

No jokes in a while so here are some.

Johnny told his teacher that tomorrow for 'show and tell' he was going to bring in a hedgehog.
"You mean an echidna," said his teacher. "No. Mum said, that if dad did the washing up he'd get a hedgehog."

LIFE'S TRUISMS
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a Tim Tam in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

petsen · Post by **petsen** » 14 Oct 2003, 12:02

Johnny told his teacher that tomorrow for 'show and tell' he was going to bring in a hedgehog.
"You mean an echidna," said his teacher. "No. Mum said, that if dad did the washing up he'd get a hedgehog."

i dont get it...

BigRed xplain plz

BigRed · Post by **BigRed** » 19 Oct 2003, 03:05

His mum told his dad he would get a head job.

chux · Post by **chux** » 19 Oct 2003, 23:28

head job?? hmm, pretty weak joke if you ask me...

A blonde gets bored, decides to do a jigsaw puzzle...
after about 2 hours, she still cant get any peices together. She asks her boyfriend to help her. He asks what it's a picture of...she says "There's a tiger on the box..."
He looks at it and says "Geez...that's Frosties!"

Maybe only UK get this...

Revolt · Post by **Revolt** » 19 Oct 2003, 23:36

chux wrote: Maybe only UK get this...

yes probabley, i dont get it

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 19 Oct 2003, 23:39

Revolt wrote:
chux wrote: Maybe only UK get this...
yes probabley, i dont get it

frosties is a cereal with different colours little ransom shaped bits to it,

in the joke the blonde had a box of frosties which has a tiger on tyhe cover,