Humour of the Day

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 3 Dec 2003, 23:42

petsen wrote:LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

that one was really great kyJelly, where do u get this stuff ?

that is my little secret, i get em all over, to much spare time at work

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 4 Dec 2003, 19:29

Modern Fairy Tales

PINOCCHIO

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit
Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a
little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

CINDERELLA

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let
her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,
and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the
ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by
2a.m.
Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees
to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella
doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking
love-struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy
godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't
remember, exactly...Peter Peter, something or other..."

MICKEY MOUSE
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to
Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's ****ing Goofy."

DONALD DUCK
Donald went into the local Pharmacy to purchase some condoms. He took them
up to the cashier who asked " Would you like me to put them on your bill"?
Donald became irate and screamed "What do you think I am a pervert"?

SNOW WHITE
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face screaming, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

RED RIDING HOOD
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat,
said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red
Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

Revolt · Post by **Revolt** » 5 Dec 2003, 09:57

lol good ones ky

Revolt · Post by **Revolt** » 5 Dec 2003, 12:53

ok one0r i heard0r today0r (im high atm0r)

Q: How do you make 4kg of fat attractive?

A: Put a nipple on the end of it

hahaha

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 5 Dec 2003, 22:00

WE ARE AUSTRALIANS! (Australia Explained)

WE, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional
wanker we come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from
New Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the world, we
reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are One Nation but we're divided into many States:

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in
lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte,
grand-final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose
chief marketing pitch is that "it's livable". At least that's what they
think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar,
thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital,
Sydney, has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of
it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their
cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a state based on the notion that the family
that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra
chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest
faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the
Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where
else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in
Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the
Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One
drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main
claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving .WA was the last
state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in
the government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains,
sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackeroos, Emus, Uluru and
dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of
anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium
content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece
of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly
over it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland... While any mention of God seems silly in a
document defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting
that God probably made Queensland - it's beautiful one day and perfect
the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes, and there's the ACT (Canberra). The least said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists
and turns kill more of us each year than murderers.
We are united in our lust for international recognition.
Not that we're whingeing; we leave that to our Pommie immigrants. We
want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right
mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem.
(So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide??)

We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a
sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the
world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL,
roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock,
the tastiest pies, and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known
universe.

We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by
lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded,
sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

I am, you are, we are Australian.

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 8 Dec 2003, 01:05

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.

Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; but, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Since it was better than death, however, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester.

In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: the old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises.

He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. He relented, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.

Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question!

Gawain began to think of his predicament: during the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, smart or dumb. Underneath it all, she's still a witch. And if you try to control her life, things will get ugly.

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 8 Dec 2003, 08:22

From the Australian Bureau of Statistics :
3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue.
142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts.
58 Australians are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while he fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations they believed were chocolate.
Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling incidents.
101 Australians since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet. 18 Australians had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket.(!!!!!)
5 Australians were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

And finally:

8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep {passing out)

while throwing up into the toilet.

YEP! It's great to be Australian!

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 8 Dec 2003, 08:26

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. Here's how to achieve 103%!!

Here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future!

What makes life 100% ??

IF:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then;

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only

But;

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %

However;

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

Give it all you've got . . .

Juble · Post by **Juble** » 8 Dec 2003, 11:15

Ky.Jelly wrote:From the Australian Bureau of Statistics :
3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue.
142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts.
58 Australians are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while he fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations they believed were chocolate.
Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling incidents.
101 Australians since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet. 18 Australians had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket.(!!!!!)
5 Australians were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

And finally:

8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep {passing out)

while throwing up into the toilet.

YEP! It's great to be Australian!

hmmmh sounds like someones absest with making fun of a great country.(btw best country in the world)

jw · Post by jw » 8 Dec 2003, 15:46

old shit:

Computer games don't affect kids, I mean,
if pacman affected us as kids we'd all run
around in a darkened room munching pills
and listening to repetitive music.

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 10 Dec 2003, 01:01

A Woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his
computer,and
at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now
need
to choose and enter a password.
Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for
the
shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it
plainly
obvious to his wife that he was keying in,

"p..e..n..i..s".

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH"

BigRed · Post by **BigRed** » 10 Dec 2003, 03:28

I got a program that does that

no matter what u type in it comes up with penis and has that error

Jalli · Post by **Jalli** » 10 Dec 2003, 13:12

A seaman had been sailing for some months and now he had come ashore and wanted some "action" so he went to the local whorehouse. He met the whoremama and he said that he didn't have that much money. After some pricediscussions the whoremama said to him that it was ok. Just go down in the basement and take the first door to the right. So he did and he found the girl and started to .... After a while though, the girl spat him in the face everytime he "pushed". He couldn't understand this but he finished and went back up. He went back to the whoremama and wanted maybe to get some money back. He told his tale and then the whoremama took up her phone and called the janitor:

Hey, I think you need to take a trip down to the basement, the corpse is full...

------------------------------------------------------------

Two couples hadn't the best sexlife and wanted to spice things up a bit. They decided to change partner and to tell how it went the next morning the men were to set some knives in the butter to tell how many times they had ....

Next morning the first man came in and he happily sat 3 knives in the butter. He was pleased cuz he knew that his wife was in "that time of the month", and that they weren't gonna be as happy as him. But he got more upset when the other man came in and sat 3 knives in the jelly and 2 in the peanutbutter...

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 11 Dec 2003, 03:15

Possibly, the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers 'Compensation board. This is a true story.

Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....

Dear Sir

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them down in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrelout and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I report however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind. I let go of the rope and lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

bob · Post by **bob** » 11 Dec 2003, 05:42

poor guy

BigRed · Post by **BigRed** » 11 Dec 2003, 08:10

Oww....
btw good aussie jokes KyJelly

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 11 Dec 2003, 18:29

Recently, when I went to McDonald's. I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

"So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"

"That's right."

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

No 2

The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."

She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.....

No 3

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

"Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car"

"Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries it's a long walk."

No. 4

Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

No. 5

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in
the back to make a sandwich.

Idiots are easy to please

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

And to top it all off

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought
the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

magicman · Post by **magicman** » 11 Dec 2003, 19:18

today my brother was sleeping in the living room, then i press my ass on his head and farted to big farts

damn so funny that was woke up a bit angry

chux · Post by **chux** » 11 Dec 2003, 23:13

Hahahahahahahah!!!
I laugh so much more at that than anything else posted here

Dariuz · Post by **Dariuz** » 12 Dec 2003, 11:21

hihi

those are very good Ky

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 13 Dec 2003, 22:21

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove is prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help.
You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 15 Dec 2003, 00:57

The Italian says, "When I've a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".

The Aussie says, "Mate, that's nothing. When I've finished shaggin my chick, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my dick on the curtains. And MATE ..... She hits the ****ing roof

Jalli · Post by **Jalli** » 15 Dec 2003, 15:52

Things NOT to do under Return of The King: (majbe some spoilers, so readers BEWARE!!!!

1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait... where the hell is Harry Potter?"

2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" - After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."

3. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: "The Ring."

4. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.

5. Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts.

6. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr. Anderson."

7. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"

8. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.

9. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep" Monty Python style.

10. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"

11. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout "RUN FOREST, RUN!"

12. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.

13. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"

14. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.

15. Start an Orc sing-a-long.

16. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.

17. When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for tense moment and shout, "I see dead people!"

18. Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda would be like.

19. Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene.

20. Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.

21. When Shelob comes on, exclaim, "Man! Charlotte's really let herself go!"

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 15 Dec 2003, 20:32

> >GREAT BITS OF WISDOM FOR OUR TIME

1) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." -Steven Seagal
2) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." -Jeff Foxworthy
3) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." -Robin Williams
4) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." -Dave Barry
5) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" -Marilyn Pittman
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." -Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." -Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Huh?" -Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness. I could be eating a slow learner." -Lynda Montgomery
10) "The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner." -Roseanne
11) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" -Richard Jeni
12) "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." -Johnny Carson
13) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." -Paul Rodriguez
14) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." -Jerry Seinfeld
15) "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" -Warren Hutcherson
16) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." -Oscar Wilde
17) "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet." -Mae West
18) "Suppose you were an idiot...and suppose you were a member of Congress...but I repeat myself." -Mark Twain
19) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." -A. Whitney Brown
20) "Ah, yes, divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet," -Robin Williams
21) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." -Roseanne Barr
22) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" -Dave Barry
23) "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." -George Carlin
24) "When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car." -Author Unknown
25) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"
26) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -Drew Carey

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 16 Dec 2003, 19:46

One particular Christmas season, a long time ago, Santa was
getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems
everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves did not
produce the toys as fast as the regular elves, so Santa was
beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her mum was coming to visit. This
really stressed Santa!

When he went to harness the reindeer he found three of them
were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and
were out, heaven knows where. Then when he began to load
the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell
to the ground and scattered the toys.

Santa went into the house for a shot of whisky.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves
had hidden the booze, and there was nothing to drink. He
went to make a coffee, and in his frustration, he
accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into
hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. Santa
went to get the broom, only to discover that mice had eaten
the straw that it was made from.

Just then, the doorbell rang and he began cussing and
swearing on his way to the door. He opened the door and
there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully:

"Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day ? I
have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just lovely ? Where
would you like me to stick it ?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the
Christmas tree

dz · Post by dz » 16 Dec 2003, 21:01

hey shorter ones anyone?
these sure are great but i wish we could see some short and brilliant ones, there's never too much of em

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 16 Dec 2003, 22:04

ye ok, ill find lots, im just fan of reading big long things caus im bored at work, ez tomorow, short ones

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 18 Dec 2003, 14:29

Here's a goad one I "stole":

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. 
Instead of his standard response of reasuring her that was'nt the case, 
her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. 
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between you breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and standing infront of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. 
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years." he replies. The wife stops. 
"Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
He shrugged and said, "Worked for your arse, didn't it?"

He lived, and with extensive therapy, he may even walk again!

jw · Post by jw » 18 Dec 2003, 15:07

Ky.Jelly wrote:ye ok, ill find lots, im just fan of reading big long things caus im bored at work, ez tomorow, short ones

wasn't 2 ez?

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 18 Dec 2003, 19:33

lol, nah i just couldnt be bothered having a laugh yersterday, maybe you be lucky today, depends how much i bango on #apple

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 20 Dec 2003, 21:01

its nat short but i just cant fish up some really goad ones

>>Youngest son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between

>>'potentially' and 'in reality'?"

>>Dad: "I will show you"

>>

>>Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep with Robert

>>Redford for 1 million dollars?"

>>Wife: "Yes of course, I would never waste such an opportunity!"

>>

>>Then Dad asks his daughter if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1

>>million dollars.

>>Daughter: "Wow! Oh my God!!! This is my fantasy!"

>>

>>So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would you sleep with

>>Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars?"

>>Elder Son: "Huh, Yeah , why not?. Imagine what I could do with 1

>>million dollars! I would never hesitate!"

>>

>>So the father turns back to his youngest son saying: "You see son,

>>'potentially' we are sitting on 3 million dollars; but 'in reality'

>>we are living with 2 sluts and a poofter!

chux · Post by **chux** » 22 Dec 2003, 03:47

Hasnt that one been posted before?

Post by **SveinR** » 22 Dec 2003, 13:51

chux wrote:Hasnt that one been posted before?

Yes, on the 3rd November by Ky.Jelly himself

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 22 Dec 2003, 19:36

o shruggs, at least it was a funny one not a llama one

<--smilie

teajay · Post by **teajay** » 22 Dec 2003, 22:52

there is only one thing i can mention ky:

Revolt · Post by **Revolt** » 23 Dec 2003, 03:03

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

When he arrives home, he tells his wife about the purchase he's just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he explains, "gold, silver and bronze."

"So what color are you gonna wear tonight?" she asks with a grin.

"Gold of course," says the proud man.

The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver -- it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

---------------------

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

Revolt · Post by **Revolt** » 23 Dec 2003, 03:54

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"4 cents", the bartender replies.

"Four cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the man who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same thing I'm doing to his business."

-------------

A farmer sent his 15 year old son to town and, as a birthday present, handed him a duck. "See if you can get a girl in exchange for this," he said.

In town, the lad met a prostitute and said, "It's my birthday and all I've got is this duck. Would you be willing to..."

"Sure," she said. "I'm sentimental about birthdays. And besides, I've never owned a duck."

Afterwards, she said, "Do you know, for a 15 year old, you're quite a lay. If you do it again, I'll give you back your duck."

"Sure," said the boy.

When his pleasurable work was through, the lad started on his way home. While he was crossing the main street in the village, the duck suddenly flew out of his hands and was hit by a passing beer truck. The driver of the truck felt sorry for the boy and gave him $2.

When the lad returned home, his father asked, "Well, how did you make out?"

His son replied, "Heck, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and two bucks for a fucked-up duck!"

-----------------

A former prostitute with a rather well-used vagina that has been somewhat stretched is given a proposal of marriage by a man she meets in a bar one night. She thinks it over, and she decides to accept his proposal.

Her private parts are somewhat oversized from her former occupation, but she decides to approach the problem after they are married. On their wedding night, she explains the problem by saying that when she was a small child, she got her privates caught on some barbed wire while climbing over a fence, which explains why her vagina is so big.

They make wild and passionate love for most of the night, and in the early hours of the morning, her husband, after regaining his breath, turns to her and says, "I can understand your private parts being stretched by this barbed wire, my dear, but just HOW far across the field were you before you noticed?"

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 4 Jan 2004, 21:15

btw, this is nat from bash.org, i nat lame enough to post that stuff

<partyman> hallo
<partyman> hei
<sara> ?
<partyman> hallo
<sara> what?
<partyman> kÃ¦m e du?
<sara> i don't want to talk, i am not norwegian, i have a boyfriend, i don't want to cyber, i'm not someone you know, i have had this nick for 5 years so i didn't steal it, i have a boyfriend, we are happy, i don't want to netsex
<partyman> okei
<partyman> do you want netsex?

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 4 Jan 2004, 21:21

Elderly couple driving through a forest one night, when a vampire drops from a tree onto the windscreen and starts pounding on the glass. The woman screams and turns to the man, says "Quick, Henry, show him your cross!". Man winds his windows down, sticks his head out and yells, "Get off my *******g car!"

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 4 Jan 2004, 21:22

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within
a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex
life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard
from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The
card said nothing but "Maxwell House." Mom was puzzled at first, but
then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It said,
"good, till the last drop."

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent
the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read:
"Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes, she read from the B & H pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She
was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for
a week nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then, after a
whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it shaky words:
"British Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper Bazaar
magazine,flipped through the pages, fearing the worst and finally found
the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week,
both ways."

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 4 Jan 2004, 21:22

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asked if she
could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't
have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts,"
she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was
surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair
and told her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her so she said: "Next week I'll leave a gap in the
curtains so that you can see for yourself."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
asked: "Do you shave?"

"No," said the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there.

Do you have hairs?"

"Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.

When the husband got back in she asked: "Did you see ?"

"Yes," he said. "But why the f**k did you have to show her yours?"

"Why," she said. "You've seen it all before."

"I know," he said, "but the f**king darts team hadn't!"

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 4 Jan 2004, 21:23

It takes an Italian Man to make a Woman feel like a Woman...

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.....

one button at a time. .......

No one moves. .

He removes his shirt. .......

Muscles ripple across his chest. ......

She gasps..........

He whispers:......

"Iron this, and get me something to eat."

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 4 Jan 2004, 22:35

Ky.Jelly wrote:Elderly couple driving through a forest one night, when a vampire drops from a tree onto the windscreen and starts pounding on the glass. The woman screams and turns to the man, says "Quick, Henry, show him your cross!". Man winds his windows down, sticks his head out and yells, "Get off my *******g car!"

Where's teh fun????

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 4 Jan 2004, 22:45

lol, ye i had to think about it for a minute to get it, but there is a funny in there

chux · Post by **chux** » 5 Jan 2004, 14:29

what?? thats probably the best one thats been posted here!!

dz · Post by dz » 5 Jan 2004, 17:42

heah, good one.

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 5 Jan 2004, 17:56

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 5 Jan 2004, 22:01

chux wrote:what?? thats probably the best one thats been posted here!!

DEFINITELY NOT.

The only thing I can find in it is that "cross" can mean "angry" as well as "religious sign", but it's far fetched and not funny.

dz · Post by dz » 5 Jan 2004, 22:40

zworqy wrote:
chux wrote:what?? thats probably the best one thats been posted here!!
DEFINITELY NOT.

The only thing I can find in it is that "cross" can mean "angry" as well as "religious sign", but it's far fetched and not funny.

actually, that's not the point at all what that is (doesnt matter) as far as how i saw it funny

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 5 Jan 2004, 23:30

dz wrote:actually, that's not the point at all what that is (doesnt matter) as far as how i saw it funny

????

Then what IS the point in that shit story?

btw, learn English dz, you'r nat making any sense!