Humour of the Day

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 16 Feb 2004, 00:02

/me takes a mental note to double check anything that he is about to post around here, maybe i just keep reading the same shit, thinking its funny and post it again, o well, ill check from now on

teajay · Post by **teajay** » 16 Feb 2004, 11:30

hm, well it's ok, it was funny once again

I thought you were testing us.

teajay · Post by **teajay** » 17 Feb 2004, 20:23

You must be dutch to understand this one

klop klop.

-wie is daar?

mariabisq

-mariabisq, wie???

ez lol :p

Dariuz · Post by **Dariuz** » 17 Feb 2004, 21:22

silly joke flat tracker

teajay · Post by **teajay** » 17 Feb 2004, 21:36

well, I laughed very loud in class when i heard it, dariuz

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 17 Feb 2004, 21:52

It was funny

teajay · Post by **teajay** » 17 Feb 2004, 22:07

you understood?

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 17 Feb 2004, 23:01

Flat Tracker wrote:you understood?

Yes, Dutch is teh ez to read

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 18 Feb 2004, 18:31

Things to ponder
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two
pennyworth in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a
race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them. But if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair colour do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as
they get older, then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final
exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and
forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mail men could look for them while they delivered the
mail?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

chux · Post by **chux** » 18 Feb 2004, 21:39

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

- Yep, just like anyone else

If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?

- The same reason Polish people arent called 'Dutch'

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

- Probably, but not in the same way

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

- I'm not sure they can...they dont have voices like we do

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

- They dont, evening gowns are usually work to formal events, people wear dresses to nightclubs

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two pennyworth in, what happens to the other penny?

- It's a tip

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

- Obviously cheese cant talk, but for arguments sake, it'd say "human"

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a
race car not called a racist?

- Because they arent named after the race, but the motor. Theyre motorists

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

- Theyre not. Both are 'wise' but one uses it to critisize

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

- Nope, because 'horfific' doesnt mean to make horrible, it describes something horrible.

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

- Did they have IVs?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them. But if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

- Because we can check the paint, but not the stars

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

- Doubt it, theyd probably realise

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

- Tea breaks I'd have thought

What hair colour do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

- Whatever the bald man says it is

Or possibly 'none'

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mail men could look for them while they delivered the mail?

- Its so people can see who they should be looking out for. Your idea is a good one though.

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

- Funnily enough, itd be shallower. The water is still in the sponge, so by taking them out youre removing mass...

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?

- To help us

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

- eh...I learnt ages ago, and I cant drive yet...

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

- No, but I will...and what about sheet lightning?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

- Nope, but it could...

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

- If she drank some, possibly... Nah, cows cant laugh

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

- The factory

teajay · Post by **teajay** » 18 Feb 2004, 22:48

-if WE have a life, what has chux then?

Juski · Post by **Juski** » 19 Feb 2004, 21:14

knock, knock.

Who is it?

Me

you,who?

you.

(i don't know why but it sounds better in swedish, i think)

chux · Post by **chux** » 19 Feb 2004, 22:00

Flat Tracker wrote:-if WE have a life, what has chux then?

Obsessive correctiveness syndrome

teajay · Post by **teajay** » 19 Feb 2004, 22:14

obsessed for sure

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 26 Feb 2004, 13:51

Heard on the radio:

What's the difference between a finnish wedding and a finnish funeral?
.
.
.
-At the funeral, one person isn't drinking!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Jalli · Post by **Jalli** » 26 Feb 2004, 16:28

What to you have if you've got 100 lawyers buried to their necks in sand?

Too little sand...

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 3 Mar 2004, 14:42

Jalli wrote:What to you have if you've got 100 lawyers buried to their necks in sand?

Too little sand...

What is 5000 lawyers on the bottom of the ocean??

a good start...

Revolt · Post by **Revolt** » 4 Mar 2004, 08:32

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming human.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off you when you die !

What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog!

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from a plane?
Skeet.

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 8 Mar 2004, 23:15

People over 35 should be dead. Here's why .

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, ... and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)

As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

Horrors!

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.

NO CELL PHONES!!!!!

Unthinkable!

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.

We had friends!

We went outside and found them.

We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

They were accidents.

No one was to blame but us.

Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.

Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.

Horrors!

Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own.

Consequences were expected.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law.

Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them!

Congratulations!

People under 30 are WIMPS

chux · Post by **chux** » 8 Mar 2004, 23:40

Eh? Im sure youre under 35...Im not sure I get that...
Ah well...

Three blondes are out walking and they find some tracks on the ground. The first one says "Oh, theyre rabbit tracks". The second one says "No, theyre deer tracks". The third says "Nah, theyre bear tracks".
They were still arguing ten minutes later when the train hit them.

--

A milkman knocks on a door during his morning round and an eight year old boy answers. The kid's got a cigar in his mouth, a bottle of vodka in one hand and a prostitute in the other. The shocked milkman asks "Are your mum and dad in?" the kid says "Does it look like it?"

--

An aeroplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and shouts "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman!"
She takes her clothes off and says "Is there anyone on this plane man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, takes his shirt off and says "Here, iron this"

--

And on the theme of lawyers...
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 10 Mar 2004, 08:15

Today is what i like to call, JOKE EXTRAVAGANZA (spelling)

An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really bad day. Bored in his history lesson, he gets up and walks out. Walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him and he pulls a knife out and stabs him.

He runs out of the school. As he gets outside, he thinks again "I hate school" and pulls his knife out and stabs the inflatable school. He runs off to his inflatable home.

Two hours later, his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable police. Panicking, inflatable boy pulls out the knife and stabs himself.

Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and sees the inflatable headmaster in the inflatable bed next to him. Shaking his deflated head, more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely intones:

"You've let me down; you've let the school down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down".[/u]

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 10 Mar 2004, 08:16

Two dwarfs go into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is only made worse by the fact that from the next room he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again...ONE,TWO,THREE.....UHH!" all night long.
In the morning the second dwarf asks the first "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection"
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? ......I couldn't even get on the bed!"

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 10 Mar 2004, 08:19

The Fastest Thing...

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, A thought. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A THOUGHT is the fastest thing I know of."

That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye... that's a very popular clichÃ© for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought
he found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.
Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I
wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could
THINK, BLINK or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already ****t my pants!"

HE GOT THE JOB.

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 10 Mar 2004, 08:21

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player; the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former U.S. President, a Senator from New York, and a potential future president. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to die." She took the second pack and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, Wesley Clark, said, "I'm a General in the Army of the United States of America". I am also going to be my party's nominee for President. So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped. The fourth passenger, President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country well, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest woman took my schoolbag."

ZING!

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 10 Mar 2004, 08:21

I got a new car stereo the other day in my car as the other one broke,
and it has voice activation software installed into it!

If you yell out Rock, it switches the station to "ROCK"!

If you yell out Classic, it switches the station to "CLASSIC"!

On my way home last night some kids ran out in front of my car,
hitting the brakes I yelled "F*cking Kids" and the radio started
playing Michael Jackson

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 10 Mar 2004, 08:22

3 wanderers are lost near a pig and cow farm. 1 is American, 1 is British, and 1 is Australian. itâ€™s late at night so they decide to ask the farmer if they could sleep in his house. they knock on the door and the farmer answers. he tells them that he has no room in his house but offers to allow them to sleep in the barn with the cows and pigs. the 3 agree and go into the barn. they begin to undress when an unbearable stench suddenly overwhelm them. the Brit is so disgusted at the vile smell he cannot sleep, goes back to the farmerâ€™s house where the farmer allows him to sleep on the kitchen floor. shortly after, the American is also woken up by the disgusting stench. he goes and knocks on the farmerâ€™s door, explains the situation to the farmer and the farmer allows him too to sleep on the kitchen floor. minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on his door. he opens the door and finds the cows and pigs standing there with sickened looks on their faces.

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 10 Mar 2004, 08:31

RESUME
George W. Bush
The White House, USA

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

LAW ENFORCEMENT: I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for
driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine,
and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been"lost" and is not available.

MILITARY: I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I
refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By
joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in
Vietnam.

COLLEGE:

I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a
cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

I ran for US Congress and lost.

I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975. I
bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went
bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.

I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that
took land using taxpayer money.

With the help of my father and our right-wing friends in the oil
industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR:

I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies,
making Texas the most polluted state in the Union.

During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most
smog-ridden city in the United States.

I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of
billions in borrowed money.

I set the record for the most executions by any governor in U.S.
history.

With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my
father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing
by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over
one billion dollars per week.

I spent the US surplus and effectively bankrupted the US Treasury.

I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in US history.

I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any
12-month period.

I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the
U.S. stock market.

I am the first President in US history to enter office with a
criminal record.

I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year
period.

After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the
worst security failure in US history on 9/11.

I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a
WMD.

In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for
attacking Iraq, then blamed the lies on our British friends.

I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a US
President.

In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their
jobs and that trend continues every month.

I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month
period.

I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any
President in US history.

I set the record for fewest number of press conferences of any
President since the advent of television.

I presided over the biggest energy crisis in US history and refused
to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.

I presided over the highest gasoline prices in US history.

I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut
in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families -- in war time.

I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to
simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the
record for protest against any single person in the history of mankind.

I've broken more international treaties than any President in US
history.

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any
administration in US history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza
Rice,has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.

I am the first President in US history to order an unprovoked,
preemptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so
against the will of the United Nations, the majority of US citizens, and the
world community.

I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest
bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.

I am the first President in US history to have the United Nations
remove the US from the Human Rights Commission.

I withdrew the US from the World Court of Law.

I refused to allow inspectors access to US "prisoners of war"
detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.

I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations
election inspectors (during the 2002 US election).

I am the all-time US and world record-holder for receiving the most
corporate campaign donations.

My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best
friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud
in US history. My political party used Enron private jets and corporate
attorneys to assure my success with the US Supreme Court during my election
decision.

I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against
investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the
Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest
corporate rip-offs in history.

I garnered the most sympathy for the US after the World Trade Center
attacks and less than a year later made the US the most hated
country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.

I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans
(71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and
security.

I changed the US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded
government contracts.

I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden
to justice or find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's
library, sealed and unavailable for public view.

All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my
bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-president,
attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable
for public review.

Please consider my experience when voting in 2004.

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 10 Mar 2004, 08:32

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before
Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have
to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; twenty-five
years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the
father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of
talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and
tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the
phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts,
"I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately
and says to her father, "You are NOT getting divorced.
Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until
then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The father hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says,"they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying
their own way."

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 5 Apr 2004, 00:42

<MercyBeat> For those of you planning on seeing the third LOTR movie at the theater her are some survival tips.
<MercyBeat> 1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait... where the hell is Harry Potter?"
<MercyBeat> 2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" - After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."
<MercyBeat> 3. At some point during the movie, stand up and shout: "I must go! Middle Earth needs me!" and run and try to jump into the screen. After bouncing off, return quietly to your seat.
<MercyBeat> 4. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: "The Ring."
<MercyBeat> 5. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
<MercyBeat> 6. Ask the nearest ring-nut if he thinks Gandalf went to Hogwarts
<MercyBeat> 7. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr. Anderson."
<MercyBeat> 8. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"
<MercyBeat> 9. At the end, complain that Gollum was offensive to Ethiopians
<MercyBeat> 10. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.
<MercyBeat> 11. When Shelob appears, pinch the guy in front of you on the back of the neck.
<MercyBeat> 12. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep" Monty Python style.
<MercyBeat> 13. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"
<MercyBeat> 14. Ask people around you who they think is the next "Terminator" sent from the Middle Earth of the future to assassinate Frodo Baggins
<MercyBeat> 15. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout "RUN FOREST, RUN!"
<MercyBeat> 16. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
<MercyBeat> 17. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"
<MercyBeat> 18. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
<MercyBeat> 19. Start an Orc sing-a-long.
<MercyBeat> 20. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.

Post by **SveinR** » 5 Apr 2004, 11:36

Ey, Jalli has done that before

http://www.moposite.com/mopolauta/viewt ... &start=122

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 6 Apr 2004, 19:31

whats black and white and looks like a horse

a zebra

chux · Post by **chux** » 6 Apr 2004, 23:48

err...todays humour is quite poor

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 6 Apr 2004, 23:57

chux wrote:err...todays humour is quite poor

sorry chux, but this time is was damn certain i wasnt repeating ;P

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 7 Apr 2004, 02:37

ok this definatly hasnt been posted, caus duh, only written by a guy called EB the other day, and maybe there should be a whole nother lotr bashing thread

L0rd of teh Ringz0r
F3ll0wsh1p of teh R1ng

[At Bilbo's 111th Birthday]
Merry: "Omg, I pwn"
Pippin: "Sif, I pwn"
**Rocket goes off
Gandalf: "Pwned!"

Bilbo: "This = shiz, bai foos"
Bilbo has left the server
Frodo: "Wtf!?"

[later, in Bag End]
Gandalf: "Give teh ringz0r to Frodo"
Bilbo: "Sif! It r precious!"
Gandalf: "STFU NOOB!!!"
Bilbo: "ok"
Gandalf has logged on as admin
Bilbo has been kicked from The Shire

**Later
Gandalf: "Show me teh ring, foo!"
**Gandalf rides out, does some research, comes back
Gandalf: "OMGZ, it R teh ring!"
Frodo: "Wtf?"
Gandalf has logged on as admin
Frodo has been kicked from The Shire
Sam has been kicked from The Shire

[At Isengard]
Gandalf: "sup dawg, i r g4nd4lf da gr3y!"
Saruman: "Foo! U R teh noob!"
Gandalf: "WTF?!"
Saruman: "Sauron pwns joo!"
Gandalf: "Sif, I R leet"
**Sarumon beats the **** out of Gandalf
Saruman: "Pwned!"

[on the road to Bree]
Merry: "look foos, shrooms!"
Pippin: "Woot! Shrooms!"
Frodo: "Ph34r!"
Sam: "Shrooms!"
Frodo: "PH34R!1!1"
**black rider stops, sniffs, goes past
Frodo: "OMG, packetloss!"

[Bree, in the Inn of the Prancing Pony]
**Frodo is drinking and dancing on a table, then slips
Frodo has left the server
Frodo has connected to the server
Frodo: "OMGz, dc'd"
Aragorn: "OMG, noobz"

[at Weathertop]
Merry: "Mmm, shrooms!"
**MERRY IS BROADCASTING HIS IP ADDRESS!!!
Frodo: "Foos! Ph34r teh haxorz"

**the black riders attack
Merry: "OMG!!!"
Sam: "O.M.G!!!11"
Pippin: "wtf"
Frodo has left the server
**head nazgul stabs Frodo's ghost
Frodo has connected to the server
Frodo: "wtf... hax!"
**Aragorn lraps into the fray with a flaming brand
Aragorn: "PH34r!!!!!!"
Merry: "LOLOL flamed! "

[on the road to Rivendell]
Aragorn: "ZOMG!Arwen!"
**Arwen rides up
Aragorn: "A/S/L? Wanna net secks?"
Arwen: "Sif! Wtf is up with Frodo?"
Sam: "Teh leet Hax0r "
Arwen: "Firewall?"

**Arwen rides off with Frodo, the nazgul give chase. Arwen crosses the ford at Rivendell.
Arwen: "PH34R!! My dad pwns urs!"
**nazgul start to cross
Arwen: "LOLOLOLO noobs!!1!"
**the ford rises up and washes the nazgul away
Warning: Connection Problems Detected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
Arwen: "Pwnt"

[at the Council of Elrond]
Gimli: "dwarves pwn!"
Legolas: "Sif, Elves pwn!"
Boromir: "OLOLOL noobs, men pwn!"
Elrond: "STFU tards!!1!"
**Frodo puts the ring on the plinth
Gimili: "Sif ring pwns all!"
**Gimli swings his axe at it, which shatters
Elrond: "**sigh, noob"

[Frodo meets up with Bilbo]
Bilbo: "OLOL, me = 10th level thief!"
Frodo: "OMG, u r teh pwn!"
Bilbo: "Do u still have teh ringz0r?"
**Frodo shows Bilbo the One Ring
Bilbo: "OMG u tard, I want to TK you!"
Frodo: "sif!"
Bilbo: "ph34r my mithril"

[The Fellowship leaves Rivendell]
**Gandalf leads the fellowship through the mountains
Legolas: "ZOMG, leet gfx!"
Gimli: "I R dropping frames! FFS"
**There's an avalanche which threatens to knock them off the shelf
Gimli: "Gandalf, teh draw distance is too far!1!!1"
Gandalf: "**Sigh. Moria?"
Gimli votes to change map to Moria
Votes 4 of 4 required
Legolas: "lolol Gimli, time to upgrade!"

[The fellowship approaches the gates of Moria]
Gandalf: "FFS, its too hard! Anyone got a walkthrough?"
**The gates of Mordor open, but the Guardian attacks!
Frodo: "OMG! ph34r!"
Boromir: "GL HF"
Aragorn [broadsword] guardian
Legolas [arrow] guardian
Gandalf: "gg"

[The fellowship enters the mines of Moria]
Gimli: "OMG!!!! PWNED!"

**After travelling some time in the dark the Fellowship come to a chamber with a large well
Gandalf: "Teh bookz0r has some clues!"
**Merry knocks a skeleton in armour down the well
Gandalf: "OMG! noob!"
Merry: "d'oh"
**The fellowship hears the ork drums
Boromir: "wtf?"
Aragorn: "wtf?"
Frodo: "..."
Gandalf: "Oh ffs >.<"
**the fellowhip shores up the doors as the orks come
Boromir: "TEAMS FFS!"
Aragorn [broadsword] ork
Gimli [axe] ork
Legolas [arrow] ork
Aragorn [broadsword] ork
Aragorn [broadsword] ork
Boromir [broadsword] ork
Gimli [axe] ork
Gimli [axe] ork
ork: "OMG! h4x!"
Gimli: "pwned"!
Legolas [arrow] ork
Legolas [arrow] ork
Legolas: "lol!!"
Boromir [broadsword] ork
Gimli [axe] ork
Gimli: "Foos!"
Legolas [arrow] ork
ork: "ffs, wallhax!"
**The cavetroll enters the chambers destroying the doors
Gandalf: "Oh ffs!"
Boromir: "Omg, its teh boss!"
Aragorn: "Sif noob, we're not at teh end yet!"
**Cavetroll slams Boromir and Aragorn out of the way, and then skewers Frodo
Sam: "OMG!"
Gandalf: "OMG!"
Aragorn: "omg, pwn!"
**Legolas jumps on the cavetroll and shoots arrows down into its head
Legolas [arrow] cavetroll
Ork: "OMG! PWNED!"
Gimli: "LOLOOLOL! noobs"
**The fellowship then runs through Moria, chased the whole way by a horde of orks
Boromir: "FFS! Teams, foos!"
**A flaming shadow starts to follow them, and the orks withdraw
Aragorn: "Now THIS is teh boss!"
Gandalf: "OMG!"
**The fellowship take to long flights of stairs that are starting to crumble and fall. Orks shoot at them with arrows.
Legolas: "LOL, noobs. Chex0r this out!1!"
Legolas [arrow] ork
Legolas [arrow] ork
ork: "AIMBOT!"
ork: "turn it off!"
Legolas: "lolol!"
**The fellowship crosses a bridge, Gandalf stops to confront the balrog
Gandalf: "joo shall not pass!"
Balrog: "wtf?"
Gandalf: "JOO SHALL NOT PASS!"
Balrog: "Sif, noob"
**Gandalf strikes the bridge with his staff, cracking it and causing it to break under the Balrog's weight
Balrog: "ZOMG! PWNED!"
Frodo: "OMG! Gandalf!"
**The Balrog falls and in a last act of defiance strikes out with its whip, entangling Gandalf
Gandalf: "D'oh"
Frodo: "OMG, joo foo!"
Gandalf: "fly u foos, fly!"
**Gandalf lets go and follows the Balrog into the crevass
Gandalf has left the server
Balrog has disconnected

[After escaping Moria the fellowship finds itself in Loth Lorien]
**The fellowship rests, and in the night Frodo speaks with Galadriel
Galadriel: "For a noob, u r teh leet!"
Frodo: "Sif. I don't want teh ringz0r. Do u want teh ringz0r?"
Galadriel: "WTFWTF! SIF I want teh ringz0r. I have enough h4x of my own!1"

[The fellowship leaves Loth Lorien and sets out via river]
Saurman: "ph34r my army of uruk hai! Go outz0r, find teh hobbitz and pwnz0r them!"
uruk hai: "leet!"

[stopping at the banks of the river, the Fellowship sets up camp]
**Frodo goes off looking for firewood, Boromir follows and confronts him
Boromir: "Gimmie teh ringz0r so ur hax can fight teh boss!"
Frodo: "Sif, foo. Punkbuster will pwn joo!"
Boromir: "Naw, we play on non-pb servers"
Frodo: "STFU noob"
Frodo has left the server
Boromir: "WTF! FRODO! Bring teh ringz0r back, faghat!"

**A group of Uruk Hai encounter Boromir
Boromir: "OH FFS, TEAMS!!"
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Boromir: "****ing campers"
**Aragorn comes across the battle
Aragorn: "Boromir joo noob! Wtf!"
Uruk Hai: "Hah, pwn!"
Aragorn [broadsword] Uruk Hai
Aragorn: "I bring joo teh pwn!"
**Aragorn goes to Boromir
Boromir: "Damn lag!"
Warning: Connection problems detected
Boromir has disconnected
Aragorn: "FFS!"

[Frodo returns to the bank of the river where he gets into a boat. Sam 'sees' him]
Sam: "Frodo! WTF! Invisibility h4x!"
Frodo has connected to the server
Frodo: "Sam, STFU and FOAD!"
Sam: "Sif!"
Frodo: "Oh, ffs noob!"

End.

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 19 Apr 2004, 19:26

ok this i thought was quite good

Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?
A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction.
Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.
A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.
Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?
A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.
Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of mass destruction, did we?
A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, we'll find something, probably right before the 2004 election.
Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?
A: To use them in a war, silly.
Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them?
A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.
Q: That doesn't make sense. Why would they choose to die if they had all those big weapons with which they could have fought back?
A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.
Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those weapons our government said they did.
A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.
Q: And what was that?
A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.
Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?
A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.
Q: Kind of like what they do in China?
A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.
Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?
A: Right.
Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?
A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?
A: I told you, China is different.
Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?
A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while China is Communist.
Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?
A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.
Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?
A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Like in Iraq?
A: Exactly.
Q: And like in China, too?
A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not.
Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?
A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being Communists and started being capitalists like us.
Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists?
A: Don't be a smart-ass.
Q: I didn't think I was being one.
A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.
Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?
A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a legitimate leader anyway.
Q: What's a military coup?
A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States.
Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?
A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.
Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?
A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.
Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate leader?
A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan.
Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?
A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.
Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?
A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men - fifteen of them Saudi Arabians - hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings in New York and Washington, killing 3,000 innocent people.
Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?
A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban.
Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people's heads and hands?
A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.
Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars back in May of 2001?
A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job fighting drugs.
Q: Fighting drugs?
A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.
Q: How did they do such a good job?
A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off.
Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people's heads and hands off for other reasons?
A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands for stealing bread.
Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?
A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply.
Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?
A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.
Q: What's the difference?
A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers.
Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.
A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.
Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia.
A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.
Q: Who trained them?
A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.
Q: Was he from Afghanistan?
A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.
Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.
A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.
Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?
A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.
Q: So the Soviets - I mean, the Russians - are now our friends?
A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either.
Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?
A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.
Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what we want them to do?
A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.
Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?
A: Well, yeah. For a while.
Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?
A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily.
Q: Why did that make him our friend?
A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.
Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?
A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.
Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend?
A: Most of the time, yes.
Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?
A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the better.
Q: Why?
A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America. Also, since God is on America's side, anyone who opposes war is a godless unAmerican Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq?
Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?
A: Yes.
Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?
A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do.
Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in his head?
A: Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.
Q: Good night, Daddy.

chux · Post by **chux** » 20 Apr 2004, 15:59

Ah, I thought itd end up with it being Bush's daughter testing him for a conference...

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 20 Apr 2004, 22:35

It's a bummer to be an egg because...

1) You only get laid once.
2) You only get eaten once.
3) It takes 7 minutes to get hard.
4) You have to come in a box with 11 others.
5) The only one who'll sit on your face is your mother.

;P the teaser

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 20 Apr 2004, 22:42

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini Skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line Picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, Screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

petsen · Post by **petsen** » 21 Apr 2004, 22:30

looooooool, that last one was great jelly

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 21 Apr 2004, 23:02

borderline sick i know, but still i laughed

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story: "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

Post by **SveinR** » 22 Apr 2004, 18:45

Oh man..grotesque, but still kinda funny..

Actually, after thinking it through, it's only grotesque

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 22 Apr 2004, 21:33

petsen wrote:looooooool, that last one was great jelly

nah, that was old. but the newest one is really LOL!

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 23 Apr 2004, 01:09

grotesque maybe, dont know if i sorta pushed the boundrys posting that but o well here is todays attempt

Fly the Friendly Skies

During the final days at Denver''s old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I''m sorry sir. I''ll be happy to try to help you, but I''ve got to help these folks first, and I''m sure we''ll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive) you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I''m sorry, sir, but you''ll have to stand in line for that, too."

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.

zworqy · Post by **zworqy** » 23 Apr 2004, 11:30

LOL, but there's a big problem with that joke: it continued after the punchline. But, since it's a true story (or at least portrayed that way) I guess it's OK.

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 27 Apr 2004, 02:07

Finally a decent male chainletter....
Finally, a worthy pyramid scheme!
Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates

INSTRUCTIONS
Anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list.

Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, there will be at least:

0.5 Miss Worlds,
2.5 models,
463 wild nymphos,
3,234 good-looking nymphos,
20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms,
and 40,198 bi-sexual women.

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off.
And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER
One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his
friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face.

On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter).
While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you can bonk her.
No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.
Do not hesitate ... send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

PS. - Even if you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner
PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.

Jalli · Post by **Jalli** » 3 May 2004, 13:42

Oki, here is a page with things you never knew you didn't whane know...
http://earnestspeakers.com/facts.html

I found this in another forum and one guy posted his top15 with comments, I found it so funny (some of them) that I just had to post it here...

In deep space most lubricants will disappear.
When they discovered this, was it like "Grrr!" or like "Ouch!"?

In space, astronauts canâ€™t cry because there is no gravity, so the tears can't flow.
Are you crying? There's no crying!! There's no crying in space travel!

It's rumored that sucking on a copper penny will cause a breathalyzer to read 0.
This rumor can be taken off the list thanks to Mythbusters.

Most toilets flush in E flat.
Okay, and since you have so much time, what key is the "plop" in?

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
Or you could just WAIT for the pumpkin pie to be finished! Sheesh! Impatient people!

Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
Clearly representing his subconscious desire for his own mother.

Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.
No complaints here. Man, no one wants frozen toothpaste!

The ampersand (&) was once a letter of the English alphabet.
4/\/D 17 571LL 15, BY &05H!

The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
This supports my original theory on the yet-unsolved 1997 eucalyptus heist.

The most fatal car accidents occur on Saturday.
Well, I was going to go out today...

The Poison Arrow frog has enough poison to kill 2,200 people.
And enough arrows to ward off nearly 300 LOTR fanatics.

The words volt and voltage are named for a member of the Italian nobility in the 1700s named Count Voltman.
The words volt and voltage are named for Alessandro Volta, who invented the battery in 1800, subsequently called the "Voltaic pile".

Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.
And did something about it! Good job!

When a waitress draws a happy face on a check, tips rise 18%, when a waiter does, tips rise 3%.
When a waitress draws a happy face around her nipple, tips rise 240%. Anything else that rises is purely unintentional.

Why dogs like squeeze toys so much? They like the sound because it sounds like an animal in distress.
You sadistic little mongrel!

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 6 May 2004, 08:40

FROM: Bin Laden, Osama. TO: All Al Qaeda Fighters.

SUBJECT: The Cave

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that!
However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

First of all: While it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning roster - have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the Halal toaster/griller).

Second: It's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm tryin to scare the hell out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wasssuuup' thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Bega cheese recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf of the fridge. Today, two of my Bega slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. And Please - do not chant "Ossy, Ossy, Ossy. Oii Oii Oii" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Fifth: Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F**** DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Sixth: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkey's there is a grey area).

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soliders in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Frank.

Love you lots, Group Hug. Os.

PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny anymore.

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 22 Oct 2004, 16:37

A middle aged woman had a heart attack
and was taken
to the hospital. While on the operating
table she
had a near death experience. Seeing God
she asked "Is
my time up?".

God said, "No, you have another 43
years, 2 months
and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to
stay in the
hospital and have a facelift, liposuction,
and a tummy
tuck. She even had someone come in and
change her hair
color.

Since she had so much more time
to live, she
figured she might as well make the most
of it. After
her last operation, she was released from the
hospital.

While crossing the street on her
way home, she was
killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she
demanded,
"I thought you said I had another
40 years? Why
didn't you pull me from out of the path
of the
ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 22 Oct 2004, 16:38

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story andlistened to her prayers which she ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, Godbless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy, and good-bye grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Oh, my gosh", thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst dayof my life." She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."

Ky.Jelly · Post by **Ky.Jelly** » 22 Oct 2004, 16:41

In an English maternity hospital, 2 women were recovering from having given birth to their children. One of the women said (in a really posh, uppercrust voice) to the other "This is my third baby. How many babies have you had?"

The other woman replied (in a very rough, working-class accent) "Vis is my fird too."

The posh woman said "Really?! Did your husband give you anything when you had your babies?"

The working-class woman replied "Well, sort ov."

Posh woman "For my first baby, my husband gave me a mini Cooper with all the accessories!"

Working-class woman "Vat's nice."

Posh woman "For my second baby, my husband gave me a Range Rover."

Working-class woman "Vat's nice."

Posh woman "What did your husband give you?"

Working-class woman "Well, he gave me elocution lessons."

Posh woman "Really??!! Did they work?"

Working-class woman "Well, sort ov."

Posh woman "What do you mean?"

Working-class woman "Well, I used to say fings like f*** off."

Posh woman "Really???!!! What do you say now?"

Working-class woman "Vat's nice."